Loyalty Oath

We've all heard about the Loyalty Oath people must sign to get into campaign events for President Bush, but not many of us have actually seen one. A fearless Democratic double-agent confiscated this one from a Bush event in Davenport, Iowa and sent it to me. As always, you be the judge.


Screening Questionnaire for Republican Campaign Events

This form must be filled out in its entirety and approved by security staff prior to your admittance to the event.

1. I promise to vote for President George Bush November 2, 2004. YES/NO
2. I believe everything George Bush says is true. YES/NO
3. I believe God chose George Bush to lead America. YES/NO
4. I swear never to utter a negative word about President Bush in public and never in the company of more than 2 people in private. YES/NO
5. I have showered today and I am wearing clean undergarments. YES/NO
6. I have no tattoos or piercings. YES/NO
7. I have practiced smiling broadly, looking in awe and nodding in affirmation prior to this event. YES/NO
8. Prior to November 2nd, I promise to abstain from sex for 24-hours and cleanse my mind of any impure, socialistic thoughts. YES/NO
9. I am wearing the RNC approved American flag pin. YES/NO
10. I believe President Bush should be granted unlimited authority when he deems it necessary for the safety and security of America. YES/NO

I understand that failure to comply with any of the above statements marked “YES” could lead to my eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hell or mandatory attendance at a three-day Michael Moore Film Festival.