NO IRAQ WAR

BY J.P. ANDRE — President Bush stunned the world today during a short exchange with reporters at the White House by announcing that there is no war in Iraq. In response to a question related to the escalating costs of the war, the President responded, “War? There’s no war in Iraq.”

Reporters at the scene were rendered speechless, much to the delight of the President. Then, as if suddenly getting a joke, several in the crowd chuckled. But when asked again about the Iraq war, the President repeated his assertion that there isn’t a war.

“But Sir,” asked an incredulous newsman, “We’ve been reporting on the war in Iraq for over a year now. We…we have pictures.” Another reporter chimed in, “I’ve been to Iraq. There’s a war going on there.”

Unfazed, the President responded. “Look, you people have gotten lazy. Okay? You’re totally mistaken about this Iraq thing. There’s no war in Iraq. Believe me, if there was a war going on over there, I would be the first to know.” With that, the President smiled and waved to the shell shocked journalists as he climbed aboard Chopper I for a campaign swing through the South.

Throughout the day, reporters from around the world called the White House to confirm or deny the President’s assertion. White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the President was absolutely correct. “I think you’ve all been taken in by liberal bloggers and foreign newspapers. There’s no war in Iraq. It’s a ridiculous notion.”

Vice President Cheney was even more blunt. “Look, the liberal press will do anything to discredit this President, even to the point of fabricating stories just to make him look bad. This whole Iraq business sounds like liberal dirty tricks to me.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, vacationing in the Florida Keys, suggested that reporters had consumed too many Margaritas. “Iraq?” he’s quoted as saying. “Why in the hell would we fight a war in Iraq? You better check your sources.”

At least three major U.S. newspapers will run headlines tomorrow announcing that there is no war in Iraq. CBS anchor Dan Rather, still stinging from the Bush National Guard memo fiasco, said he will start his evening broadcast with the good news that there really isn’t a war in Iraq. “People need a feel-good story right about now,” said the veteran newsman. “Knowing that Americans aren’t dying in Iraq will make a lot of people very happy.”

A number of foreign leaders have questioned the President’s statements, but a quick poll taken today by Gallup indicates 89% of Americans believe the President of the United States.