All The News That Fits

The following transcript was smuggled out of the editorial offices of a major East Coast newspaper. It is a morning meeting of the political and government reporters and the editor of that section. Names have been changed to numbers for privacy concerns.

[rustling of papers, chairs squeaking]

#1 [Male]
I have such a hangover I can hardly see straight.

#2 [Male]
Where’d ya go?

#1 [Male]
Took…uh, Nancy, writes for City Features…to a new place. Christ, I can’t even remember the name of it.

#2 [Male]
Nancy…Nancy…. Oh, yeah. Is she the one with the—

#3 [Female]
—huge brain? Yeah. That’s her.

#4 [Female]
I don’t think so. If she had a huge brain, she’d be smart enough not to go out with #1.

[laughter]

#1 [Male]
Well then, she must be a lot smarter than you.

#4 [Female]
Once. I felt sorry for you.

[Door opens and closes]

#5 [Male]
Okay Ladies and…everyone else [laughter], what’s on the plate for today? And turn off your damn cell phones…

#2 [Male]
Got a hot one here. My buddy over at Precinct 6 calls me first thing this morning. He was all nervous and shaky…

#3 [Female]
Did he finally ask you to elope?

[Laughter]

#2 [Male]
That’s hilarious. Really funny. Anyway, he says they arrested a government official last night for soliciting an underage male prostitute over on Lexington, and resisting arrest. So I’m thinking it’s the intern to the under-secretary of Labor and What-the-fuck. “Okay,” I says, “So what’s the big deal?” He says, “It’s Rove. Karl Rove.” I nearly wet myself. They nabbed Rove trying to hit on a kid and then putting up a fight.

[pause]

#5 [Male]
Okay….

#2 [Male]
Okay? Okay? That’s it? We’re talking Karl Rove. Karl Rove is a freaking pervert. He got caught with his pants down, so to speak.

#5 [Male]
Yeah, I know. I know. Let’s just say that Karl is…an asset to us while he’s in the position he’s in.

#2 [Male]
And what position would that be? On his knees playing “Ride the Pony?”

#5 [Male]
That kind of sarcasm won’t get us anywhere. Look, you know as well as I do, there are no black and white story ideas. They all have consequences in this city. So we scoop the Rove story, and our friends in the West Wing are upset, our information spigots get turned off—

#2 [Male]
I can’t believe you’re going to kill this.

#4 [Female]
Now if it were Condi….

#5 [Male]
Don’t start with me. Sorry #2, we’ll let someone else take the heat for that one. #1? Whatchya got?

#1 [Male]
Other than a splitting headache? Well, despite my current temporary health issues, I have been following up on a story that will blow you all away. This tailor I take my suits to for alterations—

#3 [Female}
In or out?

#1 [Male]
I love it when you talk dirty. Anyway, this guy knows the guy who does Bush’s wardrobe, helps him pick out clothes, match things, you know.

#5 [Male]
His valet?

#1 [Male]
Yeah, that’s it. So the tailor agrees to set us up for lunch. I figure, this guy’s gotta have a few anecdotes or funny insider stories. He does. Get this. He says the bulge in Bush’s jacket during the debates was definitely an electronic receiver and not only did he see it, he was in the room when they tested the damn thing.

#5 [Male]
Bulge? Another bulge story?

#1 [Male]
Yeah, but this—

#5 [Male]
You’re beating on a dead thing, #1. Old, old, old. Gone and forgotten.

#1 [Male]
Maybe you didn’t hear what I said. I have an eyewitness who is willing to talk about this—

#5 [Male]
And they’ll slice him into chopped liver and make us look like fools in the process. Next….

#1 [Male]
No, this is big…

#5 [Male]
It’s ancient history. Next….

#3 [Female]
Okay, my sources at Capital Security? They tell me that yesterday dogs sniffed out a 200 lb bomb in a tunnel beneath the Senate chambers. They were able to disarm it, but…My God, can you believe that someone was able to do that?

#5 [Male]
So the angle is lapse security?

#3 [Female]
Of course. A 200 lb bomb? Under the Capital? Terrorists strike at the heart of democracy? [pause] Kabooom?

#5 [Male]
I… I get the picture. Can’t go with it, though.

#3 [Female]
What? Are you insane?

#5 [Male]
Do you want us to be the one’s responsible for scaring tens of thousands of visitors away from Washington, DC? At the height of the tourist season? We can’t go around telling people security at the Capital sucks. We’ll have every city official from Mayor to dog catcher breathing down our necks, not to mention the White House.

#3 [Female]
But security is lax. Don’t you think people have a right to know that?

#5 [Male]
You said they defused the bomb. It’s all after-the-fact now. Tom Ridge and I are old golfing buddies and I’m sure they’ve fixed whatever glitch there was in the system. What else we got?

#4 [Female]
Jenna and Barbara Bush are going to host a new MTV show called, “Hot Tubbin’ With The Twins.” They’ll do interviews with movie and rock stars in a hot tub.

#5 [Male]
Really? Wow. Now there’s a story with legs. Good. Go with it. Everyone, take notes.