The Unreality Game

Setting: The set of the television game show: The Unreality Game. The audience applauds loudly as the host, Bill Blank, sprints gingerly to center stage.

Bill
Thank you. Thank you so much. You’re great. Thanks. Welcome. Welcome everyone to FOX Television’s The Unreality Game, the game show where our contestant’s knowledge of alternative realities can win them big, big prizes. So listen, let’s get right to the game, shall we?
[loud applause as Bill goes to his podium and the two contestants go to their Jeopardy-like stations.]
Welcome, contestants. Glad you could be a part of our show. Now, let’s find out who you are. Our first contestant is Clive Ubbershank…am I pronouncing that correctly?

Clive
Yes. Ubbershank.

Bill
Clive is the night manager of a Gas & Gobble in Mobile, Alabama. Fascinating. I’ll bet you see all kinds of people late at night.

Clive
Yes I do, Sir. Most of ‘em are good, descent people, but, you know, you get a few whackos from time to time.

Bill
So do we. It says here that in your spare time, you like to hunt, work on your truck, read the bible and…watch your neighbor Sheila taking off—?

Clive
[excitedly]
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, Bill. They…they were going to take that out a there. Erase it… Just a joke….

Bill
Sorry about that, Clive. But tell me, why did you want to come on The Unreality Game?

Clive
Well, Bill, I watch a lot of FOX news and I learn something new every day from talk radio, so I just knew I would be a winner if I got on. Also, my wife, Becky, needs to have her female plumbing yanked out and we ain’t got any medical insurance, so…here I am. [waives to the camera] Hi, honey.

Bill
Good luck, Clive. Our second contestant is Nancy Clarington from Cambridge, Massachusetts. And what do you do, Nancy?

Nancy
I teach political science at Harvard.

Bill
Politics? A science? That’s news to me. But it must be a rewarding job…teaching.

Nancy
Very much so, but also a challenge. The students really keep me on my toes.

Bill
And you like to travel, learn new languages, surf, downhill ski and bake gourmet pastries.

Nancy
Yes. I’m going on a sabbatical to France next month.

Bill
France. Audience, why would any American want to go to France? [audience boos] I don’t know either. Well, good luck to you anyway Nancy. Now, let’s play The Unreality Game. As you know, one contestant picks from a category, and the other contestant must answer a question from that category. We flipped a coin before the show, so Mademoiselle Nancy, you may pick the first category.

Nancy
Bill, I will choose natural science.

Bill
Oooh. She goes for the jugular right off the bat. Typical liberal tactic. Okay, Clive. Here is your first question for $200. Evolution is an unproven theory. True or False.

Clive
That’s true, Bill.

Bill
You are correct. Good job.

Nancy
[Interrupting] Bill, excuse me. Bill?

Bill
[turning to Nancy]
Yes?

Nancy
While evolution may technically be a theory it is also based on a tremendous amount of scientific evidence and—

Bill
I’m sorry, Nancy, but this isn’t a debate show. Let’s move on. Clive, a category?

Clive
Current Affairs

Bill
Current affairs it is. Nancy, weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq after the glorious liberation of that country from the evil dictator Saddam Hussein.

Nancy
That would be false, Bill.

Bill
Oh gosh. I’m sorry, Nancy, but the answer is “true.”

Nancy
True? No, that’s not right.

Bill
Judges?
[We hear a harsh buzz]
Sorry, but the judges’ decision is final.

Nancy
But—

Bill
Your category, Nancy.

Nancy
[irritated]
Ridiculous… Okay. The Economy.

Bill
Here is your question, Clive. Got your thinking cap on?

Clive
I do, Bill.

Bill
Great. True or False. The federal deficit is something that average Americans should be worried about.

Clive
False, Bill.

Nancy
[Angry]
Now just a doggone minute here. Those trillion dollar deficits are going to have to be paid off by our children and grandchildren and—

Bill
[rolling his eyes]
Judges.
[Buzzer]
Nancy, again the judges agree with Clive’s answer—

Nancy
But it’s wrong. It’s not correct.

Bill
It’s my show, Nancy, and it’s the right answer if I say it’s the right answer. What do you think, audience? [Hoots and hollers of agreement from audience] You've got to stop reading liberal propoganda. Moving along…wow, Clive. You are up by $800. Good work.

Clive
Thanks, Bill.

Bill
Okay, contestants, it’s time already for our final Unreal Questions of the day. Although Clive is ahead by a bunch, Nancy can still pull it out of the bag with a final correct answer. I’ll ask each of you a question based on today’s topic, and you have 30 seconds to give me the right answer. Okay? And today’s category is…Corporate America. Nancy, here is your question: True or False. Outsourcing American jobs to other countries is beneficial both to the United States and to the host country. Nancy..?

Nancy
[deflated and frustrated, she now tries to second guess the answer]
Okay, if I give the correct answer, I’ll be wrong. So, my answer is True.

Bill
Yes, True, Nancy. Good work. It is good for the United States, and, even though we really don’t care, it’s good for the host country, too. Well, Nancy has pulled slightly ahead, but Clive will go home a winner if he answers this last question correctly. Clive, your final question of the day: American corporations are over taxed, over regulated and under appreciated for their contribution to our society. True or False? Thirty seconds, Clive….

Clive
Mmm. Well, I believe that’s true, Bill, so it must be. I say, True.

Bill
[Bells ring, lights flash and the audience applauds wildly]
Correct, Clive. Absolutely on target. Good Job, and you are today’s big winner. Nancy, we appreciate you being on and as a parting gift you’ll take home a copy of the best selling book, “Treason” by Ann Coulter. Enjoy. [to audience] Well, that’s it from The Unreality Game, Folks. You’ve been great. Stay tuned for The O’Reilly Factor followed by the newest hit show on the FOX network, “When Swimsuit Models Go Berserk.” And remember, reality is a state of mind. Unreality is a way of life. Thanks, and good night.