Monday, November 29, 2004

Final Judgment: Dissolution of Union

Red States
Vs.
Blue States

Terms and Conditions

Heretofore, let it be known that both parties involved in the legal dissolution of Union between the Red States and Blue States agree to the following terms and conditions listed here. This decree, once notarized by the court, is binding and shall be upheld by both parties under penalty of law.

1. Real Property

Real property shall be divided herein between those states designated "Red" and "Blue" based on the 2004 presidential election results. Alaska will be Red, Hawaii Blue.

2. Citizenship

There will be a one year amnesty period during which individuals or families may move from Blue to Red States or vice versa with no need for paperwork or visas. After one year, residence in each color will have to obtain the proper paperwork and identification to travel or move to the other color. The Blue States also stipulate that any Red State citizen wishing to permanently move to a Blue State must undergo health, psychological and educational testing prior to the granting of citizenship.

3. Resources

Red and Blue States will retain all natural and man-made resources currently established within each state’s jurisdiction.

4. Division of Property

Red and Blue States agree to the following division of property with future disputes to be settled under U.N. auspices.

ENTERTAINMENT
A 50-50 split has been agreed upon for Ice Shows, Circuses, Carnivals, Car Shows, Pops Concerts, Blue Grass Bands, Gospel Groups and various regional festivals.

RED
All Talk Radio
Charlie Daniels Band
Ted Nugent
All country and western musicians
Wayne Newton
Bruce Willis
All Elvis impersonators
Lynard Skynard
Jeff Foxworthy
ZZ Top
All Military Marching Bands
Dennis Miller
FOX (with the exception of the Simpsons)
Rupert Murdoch
TV Reality Shows
All Christian Broadcasting
All Monster Truck Shows, Demolition Derbies, Drag Strips, Pro Wrestling, Tribute Bands
Hooters
Disneyworld
Wet T-Shirt Contests
Square Dancing, Clogging, line dancing
Beauty Pageants
Hee Haw, Gilligan’s Island, Dukes of Hazard, Jerry Springer reruns
Guns & Ammo, The Enquirer, Reader’s Digest, Washington Times, National Review, Hot Rod

BLUE
Bruce Springsteen
Hollywood
Jerry Seinfeld
David Letterman
All Opera, Classical Musicians, Ballet, Jazz, Live Theatre
Oprah, Donahue
NPR, Public Television
Comedy Central
Discovery Channel
HGTV
Disneyland
Dixie Chics
The Daily Show
Bill Moyers
Ballroom dancing, performance art, poetry
Coffee shops
Paul Newman
Hard Rock Cafe
Foozball
M.A.S.H., Cheers, Frazier, Seinfeld, Saturday Night Live reruns
Marx Brother’s Films
Harper’s, The Nation, New York Times, New Yorker, Atlantic, Playboy


ENTERTAINMENT NOT ACCEPTABLE TO EITHER PARTY (May be shipped to Canada or Europe at a later date)
Richard Simmons
Hip Hop
Arena Football
Cheerleading Contests
Celebrity Sports Contests
Flea Circuses
Water skiing animals
Telletubbies
Infomercials
Carrot Top, Pauly Shore, Yanni, Adam Sandler


FASHION

RED
All country and western clothing
Steel Toe Boots
Overalls
Military Uniforms
Furs
Sports Mascots
Baseball Caps
White Sweat Socks

BLUE
Shoes With Tassels and Buckles
Tuxedos and Evening Gowns
Men’s & Women’s Suits
Ties
Scarves
Berets
Clothes for Pets
Unisex Clothes
Walking shoes


INSTITUTIONS & ORGANIZATIONS

RED
Christian Coalition
Republican Party Headquarters
Independent Party Headquarters
Boy & Girl Scouts
Military Schools
NRA
Federalist Society
All corporate “front” organizations

BLUE
Greenpeace
NOW
Screen Actors Guild
Democratic Party Headquarters
Green Party Headquarters
Sierra Club
Gay Alliance
ACLU
Planned Parenthood


SPORTS
(Agree to share 50-50 all professional sports other than those listed)

RED
NASCAR
Alligator Wrastlin’
Tractor Pulls
Cow Pie Tossing
Bull Riding in Bars
Pie Eating Contests
Horseshoes

BLUE
Badminton
Checkers
Effete European Sports (Cricket, Bocce Ball, Curling)
Golf
Naked Tug O War
Chess
Soccer


FOODS & BEVERAGES

RED
Beer
Fried Chicken
Grits
Lemonade
Pork Rinds
Head Cheese
Bar-B-Q
Gravy
Meat
Okra
Jerky

BLUE
Wine
Ethnic Food
Low Fat Anything
Mousse
Espresso
Fish
Organic Food
Artichokes
Crepes
Smoked Cheese
Tea

TRANSPORTATION

RED
Pick-up Trucks
Hummers
SUVs
American Cars
ATVs
Motorcycles (Harleys)
Motorhomes
Buses

BLUE
Foreign Cars
Motorcycles (other than Harleys)
Planes
Trains
Bicycles
Mass Transit

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