Tuesday, January 13, 2015

My 2015 predictions

It’s that time when prognosticators like myself stare into our crystal balls (or the family jewels as some call them) and make baseless, nonsensical predictions about the coming 12 months. Here are mine:

The approval rating for Congress will dip into negative numbers. Shingles and the Anti-Christ will move up on the list.

America will secede from Texas.

Top American retailers like Wal-Mart, Target and Macy’s will kick-off the 2015 Christmas shopping season the day after Memorial Day.

Lindsay Lohan will star in an autobiographical movie of her life, “Lindsey’s Life,” and get panned by critics for her “unconvincing” portrayal.

Obama will punch Ted Cruz in the face.

Bill O’Reilly will come out of the closet.

TLC will air a new show called, “My Life is Murder” in which we experience the day to day activities of a serial killer who wears a GoPro.

For reasons unknown, everyone’s 15 minutes of fame will now only last 13 minutes and 27 seconds.

Phoenix cops will shoot a man who is actually breaking the law.

Donald Trump will declare his hair a national treasure.

Obama will not invade Lichtenstein.

There will be a porn version of “Winnie the Pooh” released called “The man with the 100-acre wood."

North Korea will announce a manned space mission to the sun.

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