A short play
Setting: Time is the near future. Location is Hell.
At rise: Dressed in pajamas, George W. Bush stands in front of Satan who is sitting at a tall desk scribbling in a book. A stone-faced devilish guard stands next to the very nervous Bush. Flames, smoke and the screams of damned souls provide the backdrop. The guard and Bush stand for an uncomfortably long time as they wait for the scribe behind the desk to acknowledge their presence.
SATAN
(continues writing for several beats, then adds a period with a flourish of his pen.)
There. Okay.
(looks up and smiles)
Ah. Mr. Bush. It’s an honor to have you here, Sir.
BUSH
(visibly distraught)
Where?
SATAN
(exchanges knowing smiles with the guard)
Where. That’s good. I was told you had a sense of humor.
BUSH
Where am I?
SATAN
Please, Mr. President. I think even you can figure that out.
BUSH
But this looks like Hell.
SATAN
(feigns a hurt expression)
Well, it’s not the West Wing, but we call it home.
BUSH
No I mean, Hell. Is this Hell?
(Satan smiles and touches his nose)
But, it’s all wrong. How can this be? I…I was a Christian, a true believer….
SATAN
(patiently closes his book and leans forward)
President Bush, surely you don’t stand before me without a clue as to why you are here.
BUSH
I can’t…
(pause)
Was it…all that stuff back in Texas…the partying and all…?
SATAN
The nose candy? The bottomless Gin & Tonic? The young, pretty things…? Actually, no. You were a wild one, I have to give you credit, but if we had every human who screwed up as a young adult, the place would be packed tighter than Pamela Anderson’s bra.
BUSH
Than what am I doing here?
SATAN
(to guard)
Is he for real?
(guard shrugs his shoulders. Satan turns back to Bush)
Listen, let’s take a little walk and we can discuss this.
(He indicates the guard can leave, then comes from around his desk and takes Bush by the arm. They walk around the stage slowly.)
George…you don’t mind if I call you George, do you?
BUSH
I prefer Mr. President, but—
SATAN
(ignoring him)
George, you were president of the most powerful nation on earth. Correct?
BUSH
Well, sure.
SATAN
The problem is, you were not really capable of leading the most powerful nation on earth.
BUSH
(pulls up short)
Wait just a second. I was a strong leader who made the tough decisions and—
SATAN
(calming voice)
George…George. This isn’t a press conference. Listen, in here, you can be honest. Honest. You don’t have to put up the shields or prattle on with the old song and dance routine. Let down your hair, man.
BUSH
(quiet for a few beats)
It’s hard lying all the time.
SATAN
(in a comforting tone)
I know.
BUSH
They never listened to me…never considered what I wanted.
SATAN
They ignored you.
BUSH
Oh, that’s not the half of it. Rove, Cheney…treated me like a child. All they wanted me to do was talk tough and smirk like I knew what was going on…. People thought the smirking thing was natural. Took me years in front of a mirror to perfect that.
SATAN
It couldn’t have been easy.
BUSH
Is that why I’m here? For the lying?
SATAN
Well, it’s not quite that simple. That is part of it, but there’s also the wanton death and destruction in Afghanistan and Iraq, the tax cuts for all your cronies and contributors, your disregard for the environment, the character assassinations during campaigns…generally, it’s about who you were and what you stood for.
BUSH
Wow. But wait a second. I thought being a Christian helped. Doesn’t that count for anything?
SATAN
(wistfully)
George, George, George. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like a Christian are two different things. You can’t say “I’m a Christian” and then lie, cheat and steal. Doesn’t work that way.
BUSH
(to himself)
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
SATAN
That goes for any of your so-called religions. Muslims who claim to be devout and then go out and blow themselves up on a crowded street killing and maiming innocent people aren’t any better. Plenty of those here.
BUSH
But our cause was just. Freedom. Democracy. That’s what it was all about. Sure, we bent some rules along the way, but only because we had to get where we needed to go, and the damned liberals fought us—
SATAN
(holding up a hand)
We don’t use the word “damned” lightly here.
BUSH
Sorry.
SATAN
Listen, George, you’re not here because you wanted democracy for other countries, you’re here because you allowed yourself to construct and live in a virtual reality that was destructive, oppressive and at odds with human advancement.
BUSH
“At odds with human advancement…?” Listen, don’t I get a phone call or something?
SATAN
(laughs)
A phone call? This is Hell, not the Mayberry jail.
BUSH
Come on. I’ll make it collect.
SATAN
(reluctantly, he pulls out a cell phone and hands it to Bush)
Oh, what the hell. Here. Three minutes. That’s it. Signal’s not always good….
(Bush takes the phone, dials a number and walks out of hearing distance of Satan. As Bush talks, Satan strolls around, grumbling to himself.)
U.S. presidents. All they can think of is their image, even in Hell. I’ve had kings here with smaller egos. Need to consider adding a circle just for them. Something related to distorted mirrors. Nixon will grumble, of course, but—
(Bush taps him on the should and holds out the phone.)
BUSH
Here.
SATAN
What "Here?"
BUSH
I have someone who wants to talk to you.
SATAN
(confused)
Talk to me? What for?
(Bush just holds the phone out and smirks. Satan grabs it from Bush and puts it to his ear)
Hello… Who? Oh, sure, I…. Yes, of course. But…. But…. You…. (compliant tone) All right. Okay.
(he slowly closes up the phone)
Someone will pick you up in an hour.
BUSH
(smiling triumphantly)
I told you. You got the wrong guy, Beelzebub.
SATAN
Oh, I got the right guy. I just picked the wrong family.
BUSH
(sidles up to Satan and leans in close)
“Don’t mess with Texas.”
(Bush exits swaggering)
SATAN
(pause as he watches Bush go)
Now I know how the Democrats feel.
FADE OUT
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Friday, February 25, 2005
George W. Bush: President and American Hero
Inspiring stories for children about our 43rd President.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Edited by William “Wild Bill” Bennett
Published by the Pandering Publications, Washington, D.C. Copyright © 2010
Terrorists Attack the United States
The morning of September 11, 2001 began like every other morning for President George W. Bush, with a twelve mile run, 100 push-ups, 150 sit-ups followed by daily scripture reading which included committing to memory a new chapter of the bible every day. All of this took place before 6:00 a.m. Physically refreshed and spiritually energized, the President, who was in Florida at the time, went to Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida to read with a class of children.
As the President began reading to the children, a very terrible thing happened in New York City. A plane flew into a World Trade Center tower, one of two very tall buildings in the city. The President was told about this terrible event while reading a story to the children: a chapter from Finnegans Wake, by James Joyce (a particular favorite of the President’s). President Bush new that telling the class of this catastrophe would send the children into outbreaks of hysteria and potentially injurious physical seizures, so he bravely continued reading along with the class as if nothing had happened. Soon, the President was told a second plane had hit a building, and that America was under attack.
Our courageous President took this valuable opportunity to look far beyond the events of the moment and calculate precisely his actions over the next six months. To some it looked like fear, but it was clearly intellectual effort of the highest order. Once plans and actions had been confirmed in his mind, the President bolted into action, flying to various parts of the country to determine other possible targets of the terrorists.
Neglecting his own safety, the President of the United States probably stopped other attacks on 9/11 by acting uncertain and afraid, thus obscuring his true intentions from the evil terrorists. The President’s actions on that eventful day can only be described as a portrait in courage.
A Thanksgiving Surprise
On Thanksgiving Day, 2003, President George W. Bush flew a very secret mission to Baghdad, Iraq to visit American troops. At that time, American military forces were battling daily in Iraq with foreign fighters and other enemies of freedom and democracy. Under cover of darkness, potential assassins lurking in every nook and cranny of the country, the President and his aides flew bravely into the heart of Muslim darkness. The President, ready at any moment to take the controls of the unmarked transport plane should it be necessary, vowed to several reporters that he would never let fear keep him from his troops. Upon landing in that war-torn part of the world, the President met with surprised and grateful soldiers. Some of the soldiers, overcome with joy and emotion, knelt before the Commander in Chief to honor him, while others kissed his wedding ring. They say the roar of approval for President Bush from the soldiers could be heard all over Baghdad that day. The President broke bread with his troops during his two hour stay, and held up a symbolic plaster of Paris Turkey with fixings to commemorate a day of thanks and worship in the midst of a hostile country that did not appreciate our efforts.
Fighting For What You Believe
Have you ever had to stand up to others for your beliefs? Sometimes, even when you’re right, people will argue with you and say that you are wrong. During the 2004 Presidential election, many Americans opposed President Bush and his policies. But the President, knowing that God was firmly behind all of his decisions, had to bravely battle day and night against those who would oppose the will of our Lord. Sometimes, when you are up against a strong and evil foe, you must use every weapon you have to overcome them. Some call this cheating or being underhanded, but when it is in the service of God, this simply cannot be so. President Bush outwitted his opponent, John Kerry, at every turn. During the Presidential debates, George Bush cleverly concealed a listening device on his body so he could be given answers by knowledgeable aides. The fact that Kerry was not smart enough to think of doing this clearly indicated his inability to be President of the United States. There were also people who said bad things about Kerry’s Vietnam War record, but again, Kerry was not intelligent enough or strong enough to fend off these attacks. Would you want a person that weak to be President? Because George W. Bush was stronger, smarter and more clever than his challenger, and won a second term as President. Americans were thankful for this.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I’ve Been a Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Would You Like Fries With That Ambassadorship?
The following exchange of e-mails was obtained exclusively by That’s Going Too Far! The back and forth is between Texas multi-millionaire and Republican party fund raiser Jerry “Bronco” Walker and William Reedy, a top aide to a Midwest Republican Senator.
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
January 12, 2004
Dear Mr. Reedy,
As you know, I raised over $500,000 for the Republican party and the reelection of George during the past year. At a gala in Houston in November, I met with your Senator and we discussed an ambassadorship at that time. He assured me that I would receive an ambassadorship to a European country. Since then, I have heard through various sources that most, if not all, of the ambassador posts to Europe had been filled. Can you enlighten me on this please?
Yours truly,
Jerry “Bronco” Walker
January 13, 2005
Dear Mr. Walker
Thank you for your note. I have spoken with the Senator about your conversation with him, and, although he doesn’t remember the specific night you speak of, he assures me that you are under consideration for an ambassador’s position. We will be in touch with you shortly.
Sincerely,
William Reedy
January 16, 2005
I appreciate your quick response to my inquiry, Mr. Reedy, but I ask that you clarify exactly what post I am being considered for. There are many countries in this world, and many that would not be suitable for me and my wife. Please let me know which countries have ambassadorships open. By the way, the good Senator doesn’t remember our conversation because he had thrown down three gin and tonics before the rest of us had our coats off.
Jerry
January 18, 2005
Jerry,
After further discussions with the Senator, I have learned that the following countries do not yet have ambassadors: Slovenia, Zambia, Uruguay, Ghana and Haiti. Beautiful countries all. The Senator asks that you take the pick of the crop and let him know as soon as possible. Thanks.
William
January 19, 2005
Listen, William, this is a bunch of crap. Slovenia? Haiti? I was assured that I would be appointed to a clean, white European country, not some disease infested Third World jungle outpost. Tell the Senator to get off his ass and find me a decent country.
Bronco
January 29, 2005
Jerry,
I am afraid all other countries but one have been assigned. Haiti is truly a beautiful place and the ambassador’s home is stunning with a glorious view of the ocean. Please give this plum assignment further consideration. Thanks.
William
February 1, 2005
How stupid do you think I am? Haiti? Why don’t you send me to Lebanon or Iran? I am being jerked around here, Boy, and I don’t like it. I’ve given my heart and soul to the Republican party and the best you can do is some island full of armed darkies who use American ambassadors for target practice? Come up with a better response.
Bronco
February 4, 2005
Jerry,
I assure you, we do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the party, but our hands are tied. The countries I have listed are the only ones left other than a black hole of a country that I would not send my worst enemy to. Please reconsider the possibilities. Thanks.
William
February 6, 2005
What is this country that is so horrible? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already listed.
Bronco
February 6, 2005
France.
February 6, 2005
What language do they speak in Slovenia?
Bronco
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Medical Alert: Get Your E-Count Checked Today
The setting is a doctor’s office. A middle aged man sits in a chair waiting. After a few beats, the doctor enters, looking through some paperwork.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Dr.
Well, we have the test results back, Dave.
Dave
Good news? Bad news?
Dr.
A mix, I’m afraid. Most of the results are fine. Cholesterol is within acceptable limits. White count is okay. No blood in the stool.
Dave.
That all sounds pretty good.
Dr.
It is, Dave. But there is one area of concern. Your E-count is very low. Have you ever had that checked before?
Dave
E-count? No, I don’t think so. What is it?
Dr.
It’s your level of empathy. Very low E-count.
Dave
Empathy? I don’t understand.
Dr.
It’s not a life-threatening issue, Dave, but it does have a direct impact on your socialization skills, ability to effectively function around others.
Dave
I function very well around others. I’m manager of my department, belong to the Chamber of Commerce…I even teach an accounting course at the community college.
Dr.
Uh huh. What is your first reaction when you see a homeless person on the street?
Dave
That they should get a job, like everybody else.
Dr.
People on welfare?
Dave
They’re lazy.
Dr.
Starving children in Africa?
Dave
It’s God’s way of telling them to stop having so many damn kids.
Dr.
The French?
Dave
Arrogant assholes.
Dr.
Do you hear yourself, Dave?
Dave
What? That’s what I believe.
Dr.
I don’t doubt that. But your low E count has a direct effect on your beliefs. When the E-count is as low as yours, it manifests itself in a complete inability to put oneself in the shoes of another, so to speak. You only have the ability to see simple solutions to complex problems. You’re driven by the idea that the government is out to get you and so is everyone else who doesn’t think like you. Sound familiar?
Dave
Yeah, Doc. It sounds like me.
Dr.
Your lack of empathy leads to distrust and animosity towards your fellow human beings, which is truly a destructive frame of mind.
Dave
I never thought it was a medical problem.
Dr.
Few people want to talk about. It’s very controversial, but it affects millions all around the globe.
Dave
What can do, Doc? Is there a cure?
Dr.
I’m afraid there is no magic bullet. But it is treatable. (sits down and writes out a prescription) Here. (hands the script to Dave) First, turn off all talk radio.
Dave
No Rush?
Dr.
I know it’ll be tough. There’s no easy way to do this. Second, take some courses at the college where you teach that apply critical thinking.
Dave
Critical thinking? What’s that?
Dr.
It’s an amazing way to view the world, Dave. It will allow you to look at a problem or issue and see a variety of possible solutions, instead of making an instantaneous judgment based on your prejudices.
Dave
Sounds experimental. Weird.
Dr.
Not really. It’s used successfully by many, many people. Finally, you need to exercise your mind. Every day, when you see someone you despise, think to yourself: “What if that were me”?
Dave
This is going to be hard, Doc.
Dr.
I know, but nothing good ever comes easy. Let’s set up a return appointment in three weeks and see how it’s going.
Dave
Thanks, Doc. It's good to know there's hope.
Dr.
You're on the road already.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Government Isn't So Mysterious After All
The following transcript was smuggled out of the White House by a source I can only identify as Deep Do Do. It was secretly taped during final discussions over the $2.57 trillion budget before it was released to Congress. Participants included President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Treasury Secretary John Snow and Joshua Bolten, head of the president's budget office.
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.
Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)
Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?
Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?
Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.
Bush
I like it.
Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.
Bush
And your point is?
Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—
Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?
Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.
Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?
Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.
Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.
Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.
Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)
Bolton
No?
Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
I can’t hear you.
Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.
Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?
Friday, February 04, 2005
He’s making a list, checking it twice….
President Bush spoke at a gathering in Fargo, North Dakota yesterday to drum up support for his Social Security initiative. Security officials at the event were given a list of dozens of people who were not to be allowed in to hear the President’s speech, primarily due to their opposition of Bush's Iraq policies. Un-American? Yes. Typical of this administration? Absolutely. That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the list used to weed out dissenting voices from the American conversation on Social Security.
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
February 4, 2005
To all security personnel at today’s event:
The following individuals are not to be admitted into this facility under any circumstances. Please check all identification carefully.
Edward Kennedy
Tinky Winky
Michael Moore
Barbara Boxer
Barbara Streisand
Al Franken
Spongebob Squarepants
Osama bin Laden
Anyone from California
Donald Rumsfeld
The “Can you hear me now?” guy
North Koreans
Iranians
Bill Clinton
Bono
Europeans
John Kerry
Al Gore
Canadians
Colin Powell
Any liberal comic strip characters
John Stewart
John Andreini
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Will Write for $$$
February 2, 2005
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
Dan Bartlett
Communications Director
White House
Dear Mr. Bartlett,
I am a professional writer who would like to redirect his talents toward service to country. Although some may scoff at the idea of putting my country before myself, I say that a life without service to something higher is not a life well lived. So I offer my considerable talents to your administration in any way that you may see fit. In case you need some parameters in this area, I have complied a list of ideas for you to consider for future articles.
1. Support for President Bush’s Social Security initiative — $10*
2. Defense of Gonzales as Attorney General nominee — $20
3. Puff pieces extolling accomplishments and patriotism of various
administration officials (Add $5 for Rumsfeld) — $5
4. Positive spin on Iraq — $25
5. Article vaguely implying prominent liberal is gay/adulterer/unpatriotic — $15
6. Article attacking “liberal press” — $8
7. Article asserting that there “100 prominent atheists serving in congress” — $10
8. Making Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity, Coulter,etc. sound like rational human beings — $50
9. Spinning the torture thing — $10
10. Article extolling President Bush’s keen grasp of domestic and international policies — $100
*Denotes thousands
Feel free to expand on this list as issues arise in the press. I look forward to getting my first assignment. Until then, thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Andreini
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