Government Isn't So Mysterious After All

The following transcript was smuggled out of the White House by a source I can only identify as Deep Do Do. It was secretly taped during final discussions over the $2.57 trillion budget before it was released to Congress. Participants included President Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Treasury Secretary John Snow and Joshua Bolten, head of the president's budget office.


Cheney
Ok. Let’s get started.

Bush
Wait. I need a diet Coke. Could you get that for me…? (background noises)

Cheney
So, you’ve looked over the budget, George?

Bush
I got to page six and fell asleep. You know I don’t do well with numbers. What’s the gist of it, Dick?

Cheney
Tough choices. Need to trim fat. Military a priority. Security a must. Keep economy moving forward.

Bush
I like it.

Snow
Mr. President, we’re going to take a lot of heat from the Dems on our cuts to social programs.

Bush
And your point is?

Snow
I just wanted you to be prepared—

Bush
Be prepared? For what? A handful of whiny losers? A pack of wild poodles? John, we’ve kicked their asses every time we’ve stepped into the ring. What’s different about this time?

Bolton
I think John is just raising a flag, Sir.

Bush
I don’t need any flags raised. No flags. That’s just negative thinking, and I hate negative thinking. Dick, is there anything in there about tax breaks for golf courses in Texas?

Cheney
It’s tucked deep inside. You’d need the Hubble Telescope to see it.

Bush
Good. See, fellas. That’s positive. That’s progress. Stronger military. Permanent tax cuts. Big, positive messages. Simple, too, so the average American can understand it.

Snow
But this budget is going to effect a lot of average Americans.

Bush
And do we care what they think? (period of silence)

Bolton
No?

Bush
Brilliant. You are correct, Sir. And who do we care about?

Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.

Bush
Who will keep Republicans in control for decades?

Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.

Bush
I can’t hear you.

Snow and Bolton in unison
Our donors.

Bush
There. I feel better. I’m having chili dogs for lunch. You guys wanna stay?