"I Could Care Less": The game show

[Announcer]

Hi, everyone. I’m Bob Schmidt and welcome to “I Could Care Less,” the game show where conservatives go toe-to-toe to find out who is the least empathetic human on the planet. Responses are judged by our audience, and the winner gets an all expense paid trip to India to stay in a five-star hotel with a penthouse balcony overlooking…wait for it…the slums of Calcutta.

[Audience applause]

Let’s welcome today’s contestants. First up is Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. Next, from the great state of Minnesota, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. And finally, let’s hear it for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Glad you can all be here to play, “I Could Care Less.”

Today’s topic: America’s children.

Congressman Ryan, I’ll start with you. Tell us, how you could you care less about America’s children?

[Ryan]

Well, Bob, I could really care less about giving underprivileged children free school lunches. I mean, this is setting these impressionable young boys and girls on a path to a welfare mentality right from the start. Free lunches today extends to free Cadillacs and bling tomorrow.

[Schmidt]

Senator Santorum, how do you respond to that?

[Santorum]

Of course, I agree. No one should get anything for free. These children should work for their meal. They could wash cars or shine shoes or sew garments like children in other countries do. And that’s why I believe we should lower the legal working age to three. Instead of sitting around the house eating Ding Dongs and watching their parents smoke crack, they could be out selling apples or…building things.

[Bachmann]

I think my fellow contestants are missing an important point. When they took God out of our public schools, guess what? The Devil stepped in. What these children really need is prayer, and lots of it. If we returned prayer to our classrooms, these precious children might have empty stomachs, but they would be spiritually obese.

[Applause]

[Schmidt]

Well, Representative Bachmann seems to have struck a chord with the audience. How do you respond to that Congressman Ryan?

[Ryan]

It’s the liberal curriculum of public schools we need to be concerned with. Kids today are being indoctrinated with liberal facts instead of conservative ideology. We need to shape these young minds to accept their miserable existence instead of filling their heads with hope for a better life.

[Santorum]

And we need more corporal punishment. Children don’t respect adults anymore because we aren’t allowed to slap them around. They think we’re their pals. No. We’re their gods, and they should be treating as such. My father used hit me so hard—

[Schmidt]

Congresswoman Bachmann. Your response?

[Bachmann]

White Christian children are the future of this country… Did I say that out loud?

[Schmidt]

Representative Ryan?

[Ryan]

Allowing same sex couples to adopt children is an abomination. It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

[Santorum]

Any science teacher who believes the earth is more than six-thousand years old should be drawn and quartered in the public square.

[Applause]

[Bachmann]

I’m not wearing panties.

[Schmidt]

Okay, that was an exciting round. We’ll be back for more, “I Could Care Less” after this commercial.