Friday, June 13, 2014

One does not simply join the Tea Party

Dear John,

First, let me thank you for your interest in joining the Tea Party. Despite the lies you’ve heard from the liberal press, we are a “big tent” party and welcome all angry Caucasian English-speaking Christians. As a formality, we do ask those who are interested in joining our crusade to take a short survey to make sure the Tea Party is the right home for you. Thank you.

Man-made climate change is:

A communist plot
An alien mind-control experiment
Al Gore’s revenge for the 2000 election
Illuminati code for “Build conservative concentration camps”
A plot by elite liberal scientists to make you look stupid

Barack Obama is:

A Kenyan-born communist/socialist/terrorist
The spawn of Satan
The anti-Christ
A hologram
An uppity negro

Ronald Reagan was:

America’s greatest president
The greatest human being ever
A leader sent directly from heaven
The first conservative saint
God in human form

The second amendment to the Constitution gives Americans the right to:

Carry guns in day care centers
Shoot scary dark skinned people without cause
Blow up stuff
Enshrine violence as a time-honored American value
All of the above

I would solve America’s immigration problem by:

Building walls, planting mines and stretching razor wire
Requiring all immigrants to have an IQ of 180 or better
Measuring the craniums of all potential immigrants
Requiring the tattoo of an “I” on the forehead of all immigrants

America’s most trusted source for news and political commentary is:

Alex Jones
Rush Limbaugh
Ann Coulter
My cat
Stephan Colbert

America is exceptional because:

We’re the only nation officially endorsed by God
We saved everybody’s ass in WWII
We say so
We invented freedom

No comments: