One does not simply join the Tea Party

Dear John,

First, let me thank you for your interest in joining the Tea Party. Despite the lies you’ve heard from the liberal press, we are a “big tent” party and welcome all angry Caucasian English-speaking Christians. As a formality, we do ask those who are interested in joining our crusade to take a short survey to make sure the Tea Party is the right home for you. Thank you.

Man-made climate change is:

A communist plot

An alien mind-control experiment

Al Gore’s revenge for the 2000 election

Illuminati code for “Build conservative concentration camps”

A plot by elite liberal scientists to make you look stupid

Barack Obama is:

A Kenyan-born communist/socialist/terrorist

The spawn of Satan

The anti-Christ

A hologram

An uppity negro

Ronald Reagan was:

America’s greatest president

The greatest human being ever

A leader sent directly from heaven

The first conservative saint

God in human form

The second amendment to the Constitution gives Americans the right to:

Carry guns in day care centers

Shoot scary dark skinned people without cause

Blow up stuff

Enshrine violence as a time-honored American value

All of the above

I would solve America’s immigration problem by:

Building walls, planting mines and stretching razor wire

Requiring all immigrants to have an IQ of 180 or better

Measuring the craniums of all potential immigrants

Requiring the tattoo of an “I” on the forehead of all immigrants

America’s most trusted source for news and political commentary is:

Alex Jones

Rush Limbaugh

Ann Coulter

My cat

Stephan Colbert

America is exceptional because:

We’re the only nation officially endorsed by God

We saved everybody’s ass in WWII

We say so
We invented freedom