Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Bush and Brush

George Bush is once again at his Texas ranch clearing brush, according to White House aides. The greatest natural disaster in modern times is unfolding in Southeast Asia, and he is moving bramble around on his godforsaken patch of dust like Sisyphus in a Stetson. How much brush can there be to clear? And what the hell is he “clearing” it away for? Is he planning to build a landing strip on the lower 40? Create the world’s largest ball of brush? Or is the phrase “clearing brush” a code for some other more nefarious activity, like poking Laura or working on invasion plans for Canada?

I suspect that by now, they have to truck in brush to the ranch from another part of Texas while Bush is in Washington D.C. God help us if there’s a brush shortage or a statewide brush fire. He’d have to clear something else, like prairie dogs or cow pies, if there actually are animals on his ranch. Or he might have to switch to an entirely new activity such as digging holes or stacking rocks.

As a last resort, they could end up importing brush from Mexico. The CIA would strike deals with black market “brush traders” along the border. Black helicopters would make runs to Laredo in the dead of night to pick up the brush and then fly back to drop it over the ranch. They would eventually be found out, but everyone would simply deny it, and the brush flap would flounder and die.

It’s a hard job clearing brush on a Texas ranch. It’s a lot like continually trying to push a large boulder up a hill.


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