Father Knows Best, 2020

Life in Bush’s America

Scene: The kitchen of a typical American suburban home at breakfast. Joe sits at the table sipping coffee and reading the paper. Mary is at a counter preparing food. Their children, Chip and Julie, are eating cereal.

Joe
Mmm. Says here the government is going to start drafting twelve-year olds for that Mid East mess.

Mary
Really. Thank God Chip is only ten.

Chip
Whattaya mean. I wanna go. They get to throw hand grenades.

Julie
Shut up, Dork. Do you want to die?

Chip
Hardly any of our guys die, Stupid. Besides, it’s un-American not to go.

Julie
Where’d you hear that?

Chip
My teacher. He was there. He’s only got six fingers now. And we have to shout so he can hear us.

Julie
Dork.

Mary
Julie….

Julie
Well he is, Mom.

Chip
Mr. Frost isn’t a dork. He’s a war hero.

Julie
I was talking about you.

Joe
Kids. Everyone have their homework done?

Julie
How can I? I’m in a group project with Donald the Dimwit who won’t get his part done. It’s going to be late because of him.

Joe
Mmm. Maybe if the class knew his father is a Democrat, he might be “motivated” to get his part finished.

Mary
Joe….

Joe
What? I don’t like it that Bill’s kid is even allowed to go to public school. The garbage they believe. Doesn’t surprise me his kid is the odd man out.

Julie
Thanks, Dad. Good idea.

Chip
(to Julie) I thought you had a crush on Donald.

Julie
(to Chip) Shut up. I never had a crush on Donald.

Joe
Better not.

Julie
He’s a dork. And a troublemaker.

Mary
Let’s not be quite so judgmental. Not every child has the benefit of a healthy, moral upbringing. The President says we as Christians need to show sympathy and compassion toward the less fortunate, even Democrats.

Chip
My teacher says we should put Democrats in special camps. What’s a camp, Dad?

Joe
A place where people live who…share similar beliefs. It’s a way of keeping wrong beliefs from infecting others.

Chip
You mean, camps like the Jews are in?

Joe
Yeah. And the Hindus and Buddhists and Catholics.

Mary
It’s really for their own protection, Chip.

Joe
And ours. (still scanning the paper) Wow. Looks like Aaron Blass is going to get off with a slap on the wrist.

Mary
Our neighbor?

Joe
Missed church three Sundays in a row without a valid excuse.

Mary
Oh my….

Joe
Yeah. It’s a year for each day of church missed.

Mary
That seems a little excessive.

Joe
Not really. He could have been stoned to death.

Chip
He helped me fix my bike once.

Julie
My friend Nancy’s older brother missed like months of church. He disappeared and they haven’t seen him in like three years.

Joe
(getting up from the table and stretching) Gotta get going. The homos aren’t going to gas themselves. (kisses Mary on the cheek)

Mary
Have a good day, Dear.

Chip and Julie
‘Bye Daddy….

Joe
(At the door) ‘Bye kids. Make Jesus proud today. (Exits)