Dear Bigot,

To [selected representative in Washington, D.C.]

We at the Family Policy Council recently wrote to express our dismay that so many conservative Republican representatives retain gay staff members. We reiterate our view that elected officials should not employ key personnel who don't hold the conservative views of the party and the voters who elected said individual to office, and homosexuals do not reflect those views and values. It should be noted by Republican politicians that this request does not pertain exclusively to homosexuals, but includes any personnel who do not truly adhere to traditional conservative values. For the convenience of Republicans who hire and fire office personnel, we include a list of traits and behaviors that should send up red flags regarding an employee’s commitment to core Republican principals and beliefs.

Men
1. Shoes with tassels
2. Loud or unusual ties
3. Facial hair
4. Haircuts or styles other than those worn by Republican congressional leaders
5. Hobbies or interests that do not include watching or participating in traditionally male sports (golf, football, hunting, fishing, boxing, etc.)
6. Fascination with old movies, especially actresses from the forties and fifties
7. Drives a foreign car

Women
1. Overly aggressive
2. Very short hair
3. Provocative dress (short skirts, cleavage, tight sweaters, etc.)
4. Not married (unless widowed)
5. Odd hobbies or interests (rock climbing, artist, kayaking, basketball referee, etc.)
6. Doesn’t wear a cross necklace
7. Grew up in a large city

For Both
1. Creative types
2. Overly social types
3. Dark skin
4. Foreign accents
5. Jews, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, Catholics, socialists, fledgling actors
6. Has a college degree in the humanities
7. Tattoos, piercings
8. Drinks bottled water
9. Speaks French

We hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Rev. I.M. Gaylord