Change of Heart

Warren walks up to the desk at Remorse R Us and is greeted by Cecelia.

Cecelia
May I help you?

W
I’d like to return my vote.

C
All right. Do you want to exchange it for a new vote or simply have it removed from the totals?

W
I’d like to exchange it for a new one.

C
Okay. May I have your receipt?

W
Well, that’s a problem. My voting place didn’t give us receipts.

C
Uh huh. I’m sorry, but we require a receipt or some proof—

W
I really did vote. Here…[pulls out a card from his wallet] See, my voter registration card. I voted….

C
This card is two years old, Sir.

W
[Looks at the card then fishes another one out of his wallet] Here. This is the right one. Look, that’s this year.

C
[Examines the card and then hands it back] Okay. We can accept it.

W
[Putting back the card] Oh, good. Great.

C
Why do you want to exchange your vote, Sir?

W
I’m not happy with it. I…I got so muddled in the last couple of weeks of the campaign, with all the ads…wolves and such. I just wasn’t sure who I trusted more, Bush or Kerry. But, now that a little time has passed and I have a clearer understanding of what Bush is doing, I want to vote for the other guy.

C
So, basically, a “Change of Heart?”

W
Yes. What else would it be?

C
Well, Sir, there are numerous reasons for changing one’s vote, including “Voting under the influence—drugs and/or alcohol,” “Accidentally pulling wrong lever,” “Come to one’s senses,” “Temporary insanity,” “Permanent Insanity”—

W
I…I get your point. I suppose it could fall under “Come to One’s Senses” as well.

C
Are you a Republican?

W
Yes.

C
And you wish to remain a Republican?

W
Yeah. I guess.

C
Then it couldn’t be “Come to one’s senses.” [puts a form in front of Warren] Please fill out and sign the affidavit 502 A confirming that you have truly had a change of heart and understand your actions could possibly alter the outcome of the election. [He signs it. She puts another form in front of him] Form 322C is your new ballot to be filled out for the candidate of your choice.

W
[signs the form]
Have you had a lot of returns?

C
Actually, it’s been surprisingly slow. Not as many “Change of Hearts” as one might think. Although I’ve heard that there is inaccurate information being sent around about how to get here, when we’re open…you know, that kind of stuff.

W
Never ends. Does it? [hands the form back] There.

C
Thank you, Sir. Your vote will be changed by end of day today.

W
You guys sell sympathy cards?

C
Aisle 5.

W
Thanks. [Exits]