My Predictions for 2005

I was visited by the spirits recently (actually, I drank them) and they provided me with vast and wondrous knowledge of future events. Here, then, are my predictions and prognostications for 2005. May God help us all.

• The Cubs will not win the World Series

• George Bush will be bitten by a rattlesnake while clearing brush at his ranch (they now haul it in for him to clear) and will have a near death experience during which hordes of masked midgets (he hates midgets) surround him and kick his shins until he breaks down and confesses to being an arrogant, self-serving imbecile who has no right to be President of the United States. Upon his recovery he takes a vow of poverty, resigns from office and opens a Tea Room in Calcutta.

• Dick Cheney survives heart attack #9 and will be more pissed off than ever.

• Donald Rumsfeld will resign and open a chain of daycare centers called “Sit Down and Shut Up.”

• A major earthquake will hit Southern California killing thousands. Bush refuses to send federal relief as it “may be used to provide aid and comfort to members of the anti-American Hollywood elite.”

• Although it will gross tens of millions, the new Star Wars movie is panned by critics for introducing the character Little Black Simbo, a small, dark-skinned minstrel creature from the planet Al Ibama. George Lucas will vehemently deny any racist undertones to the character and claim Simbo is from a totally fictitious alien society of entertainers and athletes.

• A reality show will be introduced on the FOX channel that pits real death row inmates in mortal combat with each other. The winner will get extra recreation privileges. Audience members decide the losers fate by voting thumbs up or thumbs down. The show will be hosted by Ann Coulter and Rob Zombie.

• The U.S. will withdraw troops from Iraq on May 10, 2005. War with Iran will be declared on May 11, 2005. Syria is penciled in for November.

• To help offset the growing federal deficit, administration officials will wear product logos on their clothes at all public events. Firestone, Apple, General Motors, Sony, Halliburton, Chrysler Daimler and Xerox will be the first major companies to sign on to the project. According to administration officials, revenue from the advertising could add as much as $10 million a year to the federal budget. “This is free enterprise at it’s finest,” Vice President Chaney will say.

• The first human will be cloned in 2005. Unfortunately, it will be a clone of Regis Philbin.

• Michael Jackson will be convicted of child molestation and sent to a women’s prison in Slovakia for his personal protection.

• Arnold Sshwarzenegger will learn to speak English and become a Democrat.

• Cuba will stage a preemptive attack on the United States, landing several ships of soldiers on a Miami beach. The Cuban soldiers will briefly control the bar at the Tropicana Hotel before being subdued by hotel security.

• Adam Sandler will be the leading contender for a Best Actor Oscar for his starring role in “The Story of Half-Wit Billy, Retarded Moron.”

• The blog “That’s Going too Far!” will be discovered by someone famous who will hire the author to write some stuff for a truckload of money.