Today is the day I gaze into my crystal balls and provide those who will listen with news from the future. Do with this valuable information what you will. I am merely the humble messenger.
- Miley Cyrus will tear a tongue muscle that will prevent retraction. It will be a career ending injury. She will marry the retiring Justin Bieber and the two will run a B&B in Boise, Idaho.
- North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un will have himself executed for impure actions after Buzzfeed runs photos of him and Dennis Rodman playing Twister in the nude.
- Wealthy Catholics worldwide will form a coalition demanding Pope Frances step down from his post for blatant and repeated “Christ-like” deeds.
- The real Barack Obama will accidentally be found living as a prisoner in a small, locked and guarded apartment in the sub-basement of the White House.
- An alien spacecraft will land on the Washington Mall. After spending an hour interacting with humans, it will leave and never come back.
- M. Night Shyamalan will try to revive his career by writing and directing a sequel to The Sixth Sense called The Fifth Sense: I Smell Dead People.
- Congress only passes one bill: A congressional pay raise.