New Pew Survey Captures the “Real America”

According to the results of a recent Pew Research Center survey, over a third of U.S. adults reject the idea of human evolution and believe that people have looked the same since the beginning of time.

This was only one of many surprising results from the wide-ranging study. The survey also found that nearly one in five Americans think unicorns should be on the endangered species list and that cheese should be the national fruit.

Fourteen percent of those interviewed believed in angels, while a large subset was convinced that repeating the word “fizzlenip” seven times would cure toenail fungus and some types of cancer.

An astonishing 22 percent said the first president of the United States was Jesus, and an equal number claimed that the country directly above America’s northern borders was Finland.

Finally, 15 percent of those surveyed believed they knew someone who was a vampire.

Researchers who conducted the survey were more than a bit distressed when the numbers were tabulated, with two project members jumping to their deaths from their tenth story office. During the press conference announcing the results, a Pew Research Center spokesperson had to be taken to the hospital after curling up in a fetal position behind the dais and sobbing uncontrollably.

Conversely, conservative pundits took heart at the Pew findings, with FOX News commentator Bill O’Reilly calling it an “uplifting and personally inspiring snapshot of the real America.”