The Judge Is Out To Lunch

A smuggled transcript of a speech given by one of Bush’s judicial nominees, to a small, private gathering of Federalist Society members.

“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.

The "Z" List

With the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the U.N., the Bush administration embarked on a radically new strategy for filling high-level government positions. No details are available on the novel approach of nominating the worst possible person for a job, but we do know it is informally referred to as “Reverse Assmosis.” That’s Going Too Far! did, however, obtain a copy of a confidential list of future Bush nominees for vacant or soon to be vacant government positions.

Secretary of the Treasury – Kenneth Lay

Head of the DEA – Rush Limbaugh

Head of Homeland Security – Jack Black

Head of Veterans Affairs – Jane Fonda

Director of the CIA – Cedric the Entertainer

Ambassador to France – Ann Coulter

Secretary of Education – Mike Tyson

Head of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – Paris Hilton

Head of the National Endowment for the Arts – Snoop Dogg

Ambassador to Iran – Jerry Falwell

Secretary of the Health and Human Services – Hugh Heffner

Secretary of Agriculture – Martha Stewart

A Man Of Peace

The transcript of John Bolton’s final appearance before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.

BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.

LUGAR
Excuse me?

BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.

VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.

BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.

VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.

BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?

LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,

BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.

BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?

BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.

BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?

BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.

DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?

BOLTON
Define “screaming.”

DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.

BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.

LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—

DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.

BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?

BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.

CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.

BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?

CHAFEE
You’re drunk.

BOLTON
And your point is…?

LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—

BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)

DODD
You truly believe that?

BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….

LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.

BOLTON
I object.

LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.

BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.

LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.

BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.

HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.

BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.

LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….

BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..

RNC Alert

Due to the growing number of Republicans facing attacks from the liberal media and the worldwide Democratic conspiracy, the RNC has prepared this list of dos and don’ts for representatives who are under investigation or who believe they soon may be.

1.Speak, meet and greet only in friendly territory: NRA functions, Southern Baptist conventions, DAR meetings, FOX News, Posse Comitatus picnics, etc.
2.Do not meet with your mistress, “significant other,” or alcoholic brother-in-law during the period of the investigation.
3.Throw blame at every possible opportunity. Usual targets include Democrats, liberals, the liberal media, Hollywood, activist judges, terrorists and the French.
4.Start going to church.
5.Take down the confederate flag in your front yard.
6.Play golf with Supreme Court justices, and lose.
7.Do not accept invitations to any of the following: Parties at the Playboy mansion; “Fact Finding” missions to Bali, Tahiti or Aruba; events attended by Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton; cock fights, joy rides in black helicopters.
8.Find those Ted Kennedy Polaroid’s you’ve been saving for an emergency. If you don’t have any, check with DeLay.
9.Push through a law giving every one of your constituents a red Mustang convertible.
10.Never, ever admit to any wrongdoing. Ever. God will understand.

The Rapture. Ooops.

The time is in the very near future. The place is the Oval Office in the White House. President Bush is meeting with Jerry Falwell, Karl Rove, Pat Robertson and Dick Cheney. They sit around an oval coffee table talking.

FALWELL
…so I ask again, gentlemen. What can we do to kick start the faith-based initiative? It’s floundering.

ROBERTSON
Amen to that. We would love to see some movement on this very important issue, Mr. President.

BUSH
Believe me, fellas, I hear you. Loud and clear. But I gotta tell you quite honestly, whatever mandate I had is quickly slipping away. I’m at…what is it today, Karl?

ROVE
41 percent. You see, gentlemen, it is just not an opportune time to push this issue to the forefront. We’re taking some hits from the enemy and by pursuing this right now, we’ll just be giving them more ammunition.

CHENEY
We’re having a harder and harder time getting our legislation through. It’s time to rally the wagons, not hand out candy bars.

ROBERTSON
I’m not sure what that means, Dick, but it sounded real good.

BUSH
We’re in the middle of some damned hard negotiations right now with a few moderates who’re starting to spook at the poll numbers. We just can’t jeopardize that.

FALWELL
With all due respect, George, we’re talking about God’s work here, not some traffic light in Peoria.

ROVE
Jerry, come on. You didn’t get where you are by ignoring political reality. It’s not off the radar for good, just for a while. Get through a bit of choppy water.

ROBERTSON
You guys got anymore of that single malt? Feeling a little parched.

CHENEY
(stands and goes to a cabinet where he starts pouring drinks) Jerry?

FALWELL
A short one. I gotta record something tonight. Not even sure what.

BUSH
Look, guys, I feel really bad about this, but….

At that moment, a young man bursts into the Oval Office, trembling with excitement.

YOUNG MAN
I’m sorry, Sirs. Very sorry, but you have to hear this. THE RAPTURE IS UNDER WAY.

ROBERTSON
What?

FALWELL
Son, if this is some kind of joke….

YOUNG MAN
It’s no joke, Sir. People are starting to rise up into the sky. As I speak.

CHENEY
The hell you say.

They all get up and go to a window.

BUSH
I don’t see nuthin’.

FALWELL
Oh Lord. There. Over there. A spec rising up into the clouds.

CHENEY
I will be a son-of-a-bitch. I see another one.

ROBERTSON
There. There’s one that’s even closer.

FALWELL
It’s the Rapture. Christ is returning.

BUSH
I still don’t see anything.

ROBERTSON
Lord of Lords. Jesus is coming. Jesus is coming.

CHENEY.
Now hold on. Let’s talk to some people first and get a bead on this thing.

An elderly black man enters the room with an ice bucket.

BM
Mr. President. The ice you requested.

BUSH
(looking the other way) Fine. Fine. Just set it on the—

The black man’s body slowly starts to rise into the air. Cheney, Rove, Robertson and Falwell watch as it disappears through the ceiling.

ROVE
Oh God….

ROBERTSON
Praise the Lord.

BUSH
(still looking out the window) What? Did you see another one? What is it?

FALWELL
It’s the second coming of our savior, Jesus Christ.

BUSH
(turning around) Where? I wanna see. The President should be there when Christ arrives.

ROVE
I should be making some preparations. Some calls to the press.

BUSH
(turning back to the window. Excitedly)
I see one. I see one. Look. I see a body going up into the air. It’s incredible. Oh, Jesus, there’s another one.

ROBERTSON
(falling to his knees) Oh Lord, your prophecies are fulfilled. We knew you were coming. We knew it.

FALWELL
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.

CHENEY
Is anybody….wondering why none of us is floating up?

FALWELL
(laughing) Oh Dick. Always the pragmatist. It’s an ongoing process. I suspect they start with a fringe group of believers and work their way up to the truly worthy. Pat?

ROBERTSON
(standing) Absolutely. You always save the best for last. Always.

BUSH
Right. Like the punch line to a joke.

ROBERTSON
Not exactly what I had in mind, but….

FALWELL
Soon, very soon, we’ll be in the company of our beloved Jesus Christ.

ROBERTSON
It should just be a matter of moments, I’m guessing.

FALWELL
Let’s pray. Silently. And wait patiently for our ascension to God’s kingdom.

There is a long silent period as they all bow their heads in prayer. After about ten minutes, Rove lifts his head and looks around.

ROVE
Everyone’s still earthbound.

ROBERTSON
It’s a world of five billion people. It’s going to take some time to move up the food chain.

FALWELL
Well, we’re only talking about Christians, Pat, not…the rest of them.

ROBERTSON
True. True.

BUSH
I’m not seeing anymore bodies floatin’.

ROVE
(looking intently out the window) There’s gotta be more. Right?

FALWELL
Of course there must be more. We’re still here.

Waiting turns into toe tapping, humming, loosening of ties. Soon, the room begins to darken.

BUSH
Clouds. Dark clouds are rolling in. What does that mean?

ROBERTSON
Probably nothing.

FALWELL
Perhaps we will be introduced to the heavenly body with claps of thunder.

CHENEY
Perhaps our asses are grass. Perhaps we ain’t going nowhere.

ROBERTSON
Preposterous.

FALWELL
Totally out of the question.

Again a long, painful silence. Cheney goes to the bar and pours himself a drink

CHENEY
Anyone join me?

ROVE
(slumping) Sure. A double.

ROBERTSON
Oh ye of little faith—

BUSH
Shut up, Pat. Make mine a triple.

FALWELL
The Lord would not abandon his most devoted servants. No.

ROBERTSON
(sheepishly) We’re not on the list, Jerry.

FALWELL
Nonsense.

ROBERTSON
(walking toward the bar) Give me the bottle.

FALWELL
I will not forsake you. My Lord.

ROVE
You know, this could turn to our advantage,

BUSH
What?

ROVE
Think about it. Okay, the truly good and righteous people are gone. Hell, they’re the ones who didn’t like us in the first place. What’s left are the…salt of the earth types, beer guzzlers, swindlers, cheats, liars…our people.

CHENEY
Good point, Karl.

BUSH
They are the ones we went after anyway. The “one quart low” types. Now…that’s all there is. It’s brilliant.

ROBERTSON
I…I can start a new church based on greed and lust. A theme park…..

FALWELL
(falling to his knees)
No, no, no. I can’t be sent to hell.

BUSH
Hey, that’s negative thinking. You know how I hate negative thinking.

FALWELL
(slowly standing, eyes full of tears) Yes Sir.

BUSH
Now come over here and get blasted with the rest of us. We got some strategizing to do.

Falwell joins the group, and they all toast and drink as the skies darken.

Music To His Ears

It was revealed today the George Bush has an I-Pod he listens to when he jogs. The White House released the (approved) President’s song list to reporters, which contained myriad country standards with a few Top 40 rock hits thrown in. Our mole in the WH, however, has obtained the ACTUAL list of songs Dubya listens to when he’s beatin’ tracks in preparation for his future impeachment escape plan. Please remember: Bush does not understand satire, which is a common conservative Christian affliction.

Kill the Poor – Dead Kennedys
Screw You We’re From Texas – Ray Willie Hubbard
White Riot --– Clash
Do You Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Playground in my Mind – Clint Holmes
Dirty White Boy – Foreigner
Raw Power – Stooges
Anarchy in the U.K. – Sex Pistols
Heterosexual Man – Bedbugs
Love Gun – Kiss
Where Eagles Dare – Misfits
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Whip It – Devo
My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
The Heat Is On – Glenn Frey
One Way Or Another – Blondie
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me – Culture Club

Karl Rove’s next bogus document

Praise Allah!

Hillary and Bill,

I want to thank you so much for the .50 caliber weapons. I am training my men on this weapon at an airfield in Sudan as I write. Your e-mails of encouragement are like honey to my ears. I took your advice and I am now relaxing at a spa in Switzerland until details of our next mission can be worked out. They laughed when I ate the cucumbers that were supposed to go on my eyes. Such are the ignorant ways of a martyr for Allah. You asked whether I received the money and drugs. Yes on both counts. You know, I’ve always hated the way I look on videotape, all "Mr. Droopy face," so I am hoping this time spent relaxing and the meth will give me a “perkier” look and attitude. And thank you for your suggested list of targets in North America. You both have a good eye for that type of thing. Well, Olga is beckoning me to the hot tub, so I must end my note and satisfy the curiosity of yet another young, succulent infidel woman. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I will have my people pick up the uranium on Tuesday, as instructed. May Allah’s blessings be on you.

ObL

When Democrats Attack

Transcript of a recent meeting in the Oval Office between President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger, and key democrats Kennedy, Boxer and Biden.

BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.

KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.

BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—

BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—

ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.

BOXER
Excuse me?

ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.

BOXER
You’re kidding, right?

ARNOLD
Silence.

BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.

BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.

ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?

BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?

BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.

KENNEDY
This is insane.

ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.

BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.

BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]

ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.

BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.

ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.

BOXER
This can’t be happening.

BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.

KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.

BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.

BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.

BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.

ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.

BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.

KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.

BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.

BOXER
Over my dead body.

ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.

KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.

BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.

BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.

ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.

BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.

The three Democrats stand.

ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.

BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.

ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.

BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.

BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.

ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.

BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.