When Democrats Attack

Transcript of a recent meeting in the Oval Office between President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger, and key democrats Kennedy, Boxer and Biden.

BUSH
Well, Senators, I want to thank you all for taking time to come visit with me. You all know Governor Schwarzenegger. [exchange of pleasantries] Now, let me get down to business. As you are all well aware, there are a number of judicial nominees awaiting confirmation. I know that there are a few of them that you don’t see eye to eye on, but if you’ve seen my polls lately, you know I could use a little good news on the radar, and getting my judges confirmed would do that.

KENNEDY
Mr, President, we appreciate your dilemma, but you’ve put us in an impossible position by renominating judges that are simply out of the judicial mainstream.

BUSH
Well, you’re entitled to your opinion, but—

BOXER
It’s not just our opinion, sir, it is—

ARNOLD
[to Boxer]
Do not interrupt the President.

BOXER
Excuse me?

ARNOLD
When the President is speaking, you do not interrupt.

BOXER
You’re kidding, right?

ARNOLD
Silence.

BUSH
[smiling] You see, my friends, as of this meeting, I’m not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I want these judges confirmed without any further issues arising. No filibuster.

BIDEN
Mr. President, I don’t understand what’s going on here.

ARNOLD
Would you understand the business end of a Glock against your temple?

BIDEN
[to Arnold]
Are you threatening me?

BUSH
There’s no threatening going on here, Joe. Just some good old-fashioned horse trading. You approve my nominees, I keep Arnold on a leash.

KENNEDY
This is insane.

ARNOLD
Shut up, Old Man, or I’ll strangle you with your own necktie.

BOXER
Mr. President, you cannot threaten members of Congress this way.

BUSH
Well how should I threaten you? [laughs]

ARNOLD
Good one, Mr. President.

BIDEN
We will not be intimidated.

ARNOLD
Then you will be dead. I will hunt you down and kill you and your family and any pets you may have.

BOXER
This can’t be happening.

BUSH
Now you know how we roll in Texas. I want my judges.

KENNEDY
No way. Not after this.

BIDEN
Uh, Ted. Let’s not be hasty.

BOXER
[to Biden]
You sniveling little rat.

BIDEN
We’re talking about our lives, for God’s sake.

ARNOLD
[pulls a twenty dollar bill out of a pocket and hands it to Bush] You win.

BUSH
[smiling, he puts the money in his pocket] We had a bet. He said Kennedy would be the first to crack, based on some family history. I said it would be Joe.

KENNEDY
This is despicable. You’re making a mockery of democracy.

BIDEN
Please, Mr. President. I’m with you on this one. I’ll help you get this thing done.

BOXER
Over my dead body.

ARNOLD
[pulls a bullwhip out from under his chair] That can be arranged. Only, let’s have a little fun first.

KENNEDY
Look, don’t hurt anyone. Just calm down. You want your damn judges so bad? Okay. Okay.

BUSH
Excellent. Now we’re talking.

BOXER
You wimps. [to Arnold] You want a piece of me? Come and get it.

ARNOLD
Feisty. I approve.

BUSH
[stands]
Okay. That concludes our meeting. Thank you for your support.

The three Democrats stand.

ARNOLD
[pointing to Boxer]
She stays.

BUSH
Uh, Arnold. Come on. We’ve got what we wanted.

ARONOLD
You got what you wanted. Now it is my turn.

BOXER
[setting down her purse and adopting a Karate stance] Bring it on, meathead.

BUSH
Uh, okay. Gentlemen, let us retire to the liquor cabinet in the blue room.

ARNOLD
[as they exit, under his breath] Come on, Barbara. We were just kidding around.

BOXER
[landing a kick to Arnold’s groin] Well I'm not.