A Man Of Peace

The transcript of John Bolton’s final appearance before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.

BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.

LUGAR
Excuse me?

BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.

VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.

BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.

VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.

BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?

LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,

BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.

BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?

BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.

BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?

BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.

DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?

BOLTON
Define “screaming.”

DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.

BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.

LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—

DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.

BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?

BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.

CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.

BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?

CHAFEE
You’re drunk.

BOLTON
And your point is…?

LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—

BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)

DODD
You truly believe that?

BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….

LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.

BOLTON
I object.

LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.

BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.

LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.

BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.

HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.

BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.

LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….

BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..