The Judge Is Out To Lunch

A smuggled transcript of a speech given by one of Bush’s judicial nominees, to a small, private gathering of Federalist Society members.

“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.