The Boy in the Bubble

President Bush meets with his top advisors in the Oval Office. Rice, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfield and Wolfowitz sit patiently, waiting for the President to speak. Finally, Bush takes the Washington Post that sits on his lap and holds it up.

BUSH
What is this?

RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.

BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?

WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?

BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.

CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….

BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”

ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…

BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.

CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—

RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.

BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.

DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.

BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.

RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.

BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?

They all look at each other nervously.

RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.

BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.

RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.

BUSH
Anyone else?

RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.

BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?

RICE
First thing tomorrow?

BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?

ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—

BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?

ROVE
Yes, Sir.

BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.

RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.

WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.

BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.

ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.

BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?