From Sold Out to Sell Out. A Cautionary Tale.

The scene is a ten-year old’s birthday party. Mom is herding the children into the living room of a comfortable suburban home, urging them to sit on the floor.

MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.

CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?

BARRY
Yo, he kicks—

MOM
Who?

JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?

MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.

TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]

BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.

TOMMY
Shut up.

BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.

MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]

MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?

JEREMY
Mom…?

MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.

JEREMY
Ten.

MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.

TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.

MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.

TOMMY
I’m nine.

MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.

BARRY
When are you going to be funny?

MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.

TOMMY
Until you sold out.

M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?

JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.

MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—

TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.

MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.

MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]

MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.

MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.

MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]