How Wrong Can You Be?

Hi folks. Tim Marshall here hosting America’s favorite game show, “How Wrong Can You Be?” That’s right. This is the show where your ignorance is our entertainment. As you know, the losing contestant gets a whole lot of humiliation and grief from moi just for being so stupid. But hey, it’s funny. So let’s jump right into the show. Shall we? Bob, who are our contestants today?

Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.

[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]

TIM
Gregory, welcome.

GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?

GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.

TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?

BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]

TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.

GINA
What’s that, Tim?

TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.

GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.

TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.

BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]

TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.

BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.

TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?

BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.

TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.

BUSH
I understand.

TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.

GINA
Ready, Tim.

TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?

GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.

TIM
Hurry, Gina.

GINA
Okay. New York?

TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?

GREGORY
Who?

TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.

GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?

TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?

BUSH
Ready, Tim.

TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?

BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…

TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.

BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?

TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.

BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.

TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.

GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.

TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.

GINA
Huh?

TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.

GREGORY
I’m ready.

TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?

GREGORY
What?

TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?

GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?

TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.

GINA
Shoot.

BUSH
Don’t get me started.

TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….

GINA
My question…?

TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.

GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.

TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.

GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]

TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.

BUSH
Fire away, Tim.

TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?

BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.

TIM
This from the President of the United States.

BUSH
Umm, Picasso?

TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”

GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.

TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.

GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….

[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]

BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.

TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.

GINA
Can I come back on another night?

TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.

GINA
Are you kidding me?

TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.

GINA
This is bull—

TIM
Your answer, please.

GINA
Howdy Doody.

TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?

GREGORY
What?

TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.

GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.

TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?

GREGORY
Paris Hilton.

TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.

BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.

TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?

BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.

TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.

[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]

TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?

BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.

TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.

BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.

[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]

BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.

TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.

BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.

TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.

[applause and fade out]