Myth Over Matter

As debates rage in Kansas and other states over whether Intelligent Design should be taught alongside the theory of evolution in public schools, the Department of Education has received a number of requests from individuals and groups to include their versions of creation in the curricula. Some examples:

Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.

Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”

Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.

Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.

Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.