Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Back in the U.S.S.R.

To our Newsweek Readers,

We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.

The Editors

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