A copy of President Bush’s personal list of New Year’s resolutions was smuggled out of the White House and passed on to That’s Going Too Far! The list was hand written on the back of a liquor store receipt for two quarts of Jose Cuervo Gold tequila.
1. Look into this “Constitution” thing.
2. Learn to locate Iraq on a map.
3. Spend at least one night a week with Laura.
4. Meet with Cheney at least once a month.
5. Beat the last three levels of Star Wars: Battlefront II.
6. Stop eating candy for breakfast.
7. Get a second opinion on nationalizing the press.
8. Update my enemies’ list.
9. Update my pardons list.
10. Visit and evaluate countries willing to provide me with political asylum.
11. Remind self not to take meds immediately before riding a bike or horse.
12. Lie less often but more effectively.
13. Call Mom every Tuesday.
14. Learn to speak in tongues.
15. Wear clean underwear.
16. Initiate End Times with war on China.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Speaking in Texan
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rapidly escalating ‘unlawful surveillance of Americans’ scandal that has been rocking the Bush administration took a new twist today.
In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”
When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
In response to critics who claim the President lied when he told a crowd in April 2004 that “...a wiretap requires a court order...,” Bush asserted that he was misunderstood. “If you listen to my comments carefully,” the President said, “It’s clear that I’m saying ‘wire trap,’ not wiretap. See, in Texas, anytime you want to catch something with a wire trap, you need to get a court order. Same with terrorists. We’ve been perfecting a terrorist wire trap for several years. Put some sticks of dynamite inside, the terrorist sees it, runs in to steal it and, wham! You got yerself a bad guy.”
When questioned on this interpretation of his comments by reporters, Bush responded sternly. “Listen, you’re the people who are always saying I mangle the English language when I speak. Now you’re trying to use my exact words to trap me. Either I mangle language or I don’t. You can’t have it both ways.”
Monday, December 19, 2005
My Predictions for 2006
Camilla Parker Bowles will receive the world’s second face transplant.
Donald Trump will be fired.
Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).
Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.
Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.
A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.
During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.
Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.
Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.
FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.
The cell phone suppository will be introduced.
A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”
A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”
Uruguay will disappear.
Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.
Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.
The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”
A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.
China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.
Donald Trump will be fired.
Carnival Cruises will begin offering tours of the melting polar ice caps (“You may actually see a Polar Bear drown”).
Gasoline will top $3 a gallon. Tofu prices, however, will decline.
Democrats will regain majorities in both houses of Congress in the November elections. A day later, Bush will declare Marshall Law and anoint himself Most Illustrious Emperor of Bushlovia.
A scientist at a major university will discover a cure for most cancers, but lose all of his data when a glass of champagne is spilled into his computer. A jealous colleague or drunken graduate student will be arrested.
During a taping of his television show, Bill O’Reilly will die after swallowing his own tongue during an especially emotional attack on the Easter Bunny.
Frustrated with the lack of success in meeting their worldwide demands, terrorists will resort to a new tactic that will be known as “suicide beheadings.” Al Qaeda leaders will quickly denounce the practice.
Mexico will be welcomed as the 51st state.
FOX will introduce a reality show called “Out On A Limb” where contestants fight to the death with chainsaws.
The cell phone suppository will be introduced.
A new planet will be discovered and named “Oprah.”
A cure will be discovered for “restless leg syndrome.”
Uruguay will disappear.
Jerry Falwell will admit to a long-time love affair with Grover Norquist. Pat Robertson will take off all his clothes during a 700 Club taping and urinate on a photo of Howard Stern.
Canada will build a 3000-mile fence along its border with the U.S. to keep out a flood of Americans seeking political asylum.
The Rolling Stones will do a 40-city “AARP Tour.”
A Japanese investment group will buy Seattle.
China will land a man on the moon. And leave him there.
Failure of the MSM #2,898,436
During a FOX News interview after his Sunday night address to the nation, Bush once again asserted that, even knowing what we now know, he would still have invaded Iraq.
The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.
If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?
The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?
Someone should ask him.
The question that is never asked by the press, of course, is what justification the President would have used to invade Iraq.
If it was commonly acknowledged that Iraq had no WMD, no active nuclear weapons program, no biological agent program and no ties to al Qaeda, what possible argument could he make to invade a sovereign country? Saddam's not a nice guy? We want their oil?
The only thing that got him his much-desired war was the shroud of uncertainty the administration through over the eyes of the media and citizens with lies of mushroom clouds and plague-carrying drones. How could Bush have possibly argued for invading Iraq if he did not have his phony intelligence?
Someone should ask him.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Cheney Sneers Hecklers to Death
Tulsa, Oklahoma – Peace activists who snuck into a Republican fundraising event featuring Vice President Dick Cheney were permanently silenced by what some onlookers said was, “The Grin Reaper.”
Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.
One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.
The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.
After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.
Cheney had just started to speak when two audience members stood and began chanting anti-war slogans in an attempt to drown out the vice president. After several faltering attempts to continue, Cheney then put his hands on either side of the podium and stared silently at the protesters.
One of the instigators immediately fell silent and gripped her throat as if being strangled. The shouts of the second demonstrator came to an abrupt end, as he too appeared to be suffocating.
The crowd watched in stunned silence as the two interlopers writhed and squirmed in terror, only to succumb to the invisible assailant and fall limp to the floor. Paramedics tried to revive the pair, and they were taken to a nearby hospital where they were pronounced dead on arrival.
After completing his speech, Cheney was asked about the event and his part in it. “I hesitate to use my evil powers except in the most dire circumstances, but I have to say, that felt good.” The VP sneered gleefully upon hearing he had been named “The Grin Reaper,” saying he didn’t deserve such accolades and was just doing his job.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Bombs Away!
Startling new revelations have surfaced on the heels of news reports that President Bush had to be talked out of bombing the Arabic television station al-Jazeera, which has its headquarters in Doha, the capital of Qatar, a country considered a U.S. ally.
Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.
According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.
In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.
When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”
There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.
In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.
Newly uncovered documents reveal that at the same time he was considering bombing al-Jazeera, Bush was proposing additional air strikes on other “unfriendly” targets around the globe, including Paris, Caracas, Moscow and San Francisco.
According to the declassified memos, at the same meeting with Tony Blair where bombing al-Jazeera was discussed, Blair had to fight vigorously to deter Bush from attacking additional targets.
In fact, as the report notes, “Bush was most intransigent regarding San Francisco. He felt that America would be much stronger and more unified without a city full of ‘Hippie, dope-smoking liberals.’” Mr. Blair had to use every ounce of his persuasive abilities to turn Bush away from this idea.
When challenged about his willingness to bomb his own citizens, Bush argued for leveling San Francisco by declaring, “They’re not Americans. They’re Californians. There’s a huge difference.”
There was some give and take during the lengthy and sometimes heated discussions. At one point, Blair conceded the possibility of allowing the U.S. to destroy Paris if the other targets were spared. “This would be the least of all evils,” Blair is recorded as saying.
In the end, Bush was talked out of bombing any of the chosen sites. He did leave open the option of placing San Francisco under martial law until the conclusion of hostilities in Iraq.
Monday, November 21, 2005
The Trickle-Down Query
CLEVELAND, OHIO – While visiting a classroom of fourth graders at Pontiac Academy, a private school in a Cleveland suburb, President Bush faced some unexpectedly tough questions about his policies.
The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.
Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”
President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“
Damian cut him off. “Did so.”
The President responded, “Did not.”
“Did so.”
“Did not.”
“Did so.”
There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.
A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.
The President was visiting the school to congratulate students on achieving the highest reading scores in the state based on No Child Left Behind testing mandates. After his scheduled remarks to the children, he asked if anyone would like to ask the President of the United States a question.
Nine-year old Damian Schlitz raised his hand, “My dad says you lied to Americans about Iraq. Why did you do that?”
President Bush was obviously taken aback, but then smiled and responded warmly. “Son, that’s a pretty grown-up question, but I’ll answer it. I didn’t lie about Iraq—“
Damian cut him off. “Did so.”
The President responded, “Did not.”
“Did so.”
“Did not.”
“Did so.”
There were several more rounds before the teacher stepped in to ask if anyone else had a question. Pony-tailed Patricia Donovan then stood and asked the President why he hadn’t fired Karl Rove.
A pale Bush mumbled something to the children and tried to exit through a coat closet before secret service agents guided him from the room. Polite applause from the children followed the President’s hasty departure.
Friday, November 11, 2005
"Ignorant and Proud"
The following is a transcript from the 10/21 taping of “Baxter On Books,” a syndicated television show featuring Theodore Baxter, professor of modern literature at Cornell University, interviewing authors. His guest for this show was Brenda Fritz, author of the bestselling book, “Ignorant and Proud.”
Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.
Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?
Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.
Baxter: Such as?
Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.
Baxter: Staring at a leaf?
Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?
Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.
Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.
Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?
Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?
Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?
Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.
Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?
Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.
Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?
Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”
Baxter: I don’t own a TV.
Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.
Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...
Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.
Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?
Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.
Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.
Baxter: Welcome. Thanks for tuning in to “Baxter on Books.” I’m Theo Baxter, and I think you’re going to find today’s show fascinating as we talk to an author whose book challenges some very deeply held assumptions about how we perceive the world. Is that fair to say? Okay. Our guest author is Brenda Fritz, whose book “Ignorant and Proud” has soared to the top of everyone’s bestseller list in a very short time. Welcome, Brenda.
Brenda: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Baxter: “Ignorant and Proud.” Fascinating. Explain the premise of this book to me. I mean, you’re proud to be ignorant?
Brenda: Oh yes. You see, for centuries, we’ve been told over and over again that being ignorant is a bad thing, something you should be ashamed of. In our modern society, the mantra is “Learn. Learn. Learn.” We’ve become so conditioned to the idea that we have to “think” about everything, that we lose touch with some very important human qualities.
Baxter: Such as?
Brenda: Bliss. Who in this world experiences bliss anymore? Very few, I must say. Your mind needs to be empty to experience true bliss, but our heads are so crammed full of facts and figures that we can’t find the simple bliss of staring at a leaf for hours.
Baxter: Staring at a leaf?
Brenda: Or reading a story of courage in Reader’s Digest. Or singing the National Anthem in the shower. Or digging a hole. We champion the idea of simplifying our lives. Why not simplify our minds?
Baxter: So you’re actually encouraging people not to think.
Brenda: As I say in my book, “Ignorance can unlock a new stress-free world.” Thinking creates tension and promotes discord. Ignorance allows you to create the world in which you’re most comfortable.
Baxter: But what about facts? How can you simply choose to ignore facts?
Brenda: With practice it becomes very easy. The Bible says that God created the world in seven days. That’s simple and straightforward. I like that. Evolution is complex and messy. I don’t understand it so I don’t find comfort in it. So why should I choose to believe something that isn’t comfortable?
Baxter: Because one is a belief and the other is supported by scientific evidence?
Brenda: There you go, complicating matters. I choose the less complicated reality.
Baxter: Truly fascinating. In your book you write, “Facts are just beliefs wrapped in tin foil.” What exactly do you mean by that?
Brenda: I’m not sure. I just liked the way it sounded. I also enjoy wrapping things in tin foil.
Baxter: How do you explain the popularity of your book, Brenda?
Brenda: I think a lot of people are just burned out on the idea of thinking. Be honest. What would you rather do? Read “War and Peace” or watch “Lost?”
Baxter: I don’t own a TV.
Brenda: Thinking wastes vital energy. You have to let go of this notion that thinking will make things better. In my book, I advocate reforming our government to a Christian monarchy. No more campaigning. No more elections. No more questions about who is really in charge. Belief and intuition should be our guideposts in life.
Baxter: But without thinking, we wouldn’t have any of the things we use on a daily basis...electricity, airplanes, medicine, automobiles, books...
Brenda: I never thought of that. On the other hand, we’d be living simpler, happier lives. You see? I’m perfectly content in my own reality. For me, there are no contradictions.
Baxter: Isn’t that also called psychosis?
Brenda: I have no idea. And I won’t worry my beautiful mind about it. Read the book. You’ll understand. They can’t keep it on the shelves in the South.
Baxter: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. “Ignorant and Proud,” ladies and gentlemen. At a bookstore near you. Thank you for stopping by, Brenda. Good day.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The News Before It's News
Although it is known to a mere handful of individuals, That's Going Too Far! brings you the big stories MONTHS before they actually happen. Psychic? Perhaps. Lucky? You bet. Unlike the Bush administration which lives in an alternative reality, TGTF actually changes the vibrations of the present, which in turn alters future reality, changing it into something that was not going to be the future, but...more like...the future you weren't expecting.
What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.
Micky's in the Mosque
Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.
“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”
Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”
President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”
“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”
“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”
Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”
At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”
Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.
What the hell am I talking about? The following headline and article appeared in the November 8, 2005 online edition of The Independent: "Iraq plans hotel and theme parks for a tourism boon." The article below appeared on this blog JUNE 6, 2005. That's right. It's a gift and a curse. I'm in talks with the Weekly World News as I write this.
Micky's in the Mosque
Washington D.C.—At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President George Bush, with Disney CEO Michael Eisner at his side, announced the administration’s newest tactic in the ongoing battle with the Iraq insurgency.
“Today,” announced the President, “we are turning a new corner in our war on the terrorists in Iraq. In cooperation with the Disney Corporation, the United States government will begin a major construction project near Baghdad this fall that, if it is allowed to become a reality, we believe it will lift the spirit of Iraqis of every age. Michael.”
Eisner continued. “That’s right, Mr. President. Beginning in October, 2005, we are going to break ground for one of the most exciting entertainment complexes on the face of the earth….” A canopy is pulled off of an easel, exposing architectural renderings. “…Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom.”
President Bush: “This is exciting, Michael. A Disney-operated magical kingdom right in the heart of the Islamic world. What could be better for Iraqi children than a safe, clean, fantasy world of rides and exhibits that reflect and reinforce the holiest traditions of Islam?”
“I couldn’t have said it better, Mr. President,” continued Eisner. “What the children of Iraq need right now is the opportunity to be children…to have fun and laugh and shake hands with Mickey and Goofy. What a morale booster that would be. Yes, this new park incorporates rides and exhibits that will draw families from all over the Middle East. There’s Mohammad’s ‘Dome of the Rock’ ride, where kids will ride a white horse up, up, up into a blue desert sky. Or try ‘Mecca Madness’ as you journey to Mecca only to be interrupted time and time again by robbers, soldiers and fanatical Christians. Then, for all those future martyrs out there, test yourselves at the ‘Minaret Free Fall.’ All I can say is, hold on to your hijab.”
“And your hat,” added the President. “But, my friends, like freedom, laughter and fun do not come without a price. For this amazing new Disney park to become reality, we must have the cooperation of all combatants in Iraq. Let’s be honest. How can we have a Magic Kingdom if there are suicide bombers lurking in the parking lot? How can mothers take their children on rides if they suspect the ride will be hijacked and hostages taken? How can an excited little girl feel safe hugging Sleeping Beauty if the Princess might be strapped with explosives? Lay down your weapons. Turn in your grenades. There will be a six week period of amnesty for all insurgents to come to Baghdad and turn themselves in for the opportunity to see a smile on the face of their children again. Make Disney’s Middle East Magical Kingdom a reality. Please. Trade in your AK47 for a mouse ear hat. You won’t regret it.”
Yes, Mr. President,” said Eisner. “Thanks to you, our brave military personnel and Halliburton, we can build the most magical of magic kingdoms and turn a country of death and destruction into the happiest place on earth. Right, Mickey?”
At that moment, costumed Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and other Disney Favorites emerged to lead a parade around the Rose Garden to the well known tune, ‘It’s a Small World.’”
Funding for this project is expected to be over $8 billion, but there appears to be little opposition in Congress from either side of the aisle.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
You Know the Bush Administration is in Trouble When...
- Karl Rove is replaced with Bush’s private tailor, Georges de Paris
- White House orders DC liquor stores and pharmacies to remain open on 24-hour standby
- Libby enters the federal witness protection program
- Cheney has his sneer surgically removed
- Dennis Miller is given a room at the White House and bestowed the title, “Court Jester”
- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is replaced by Jerry Springer
- Cheney deletes “Vice President of the United States” from his Monster.com resume
- DC post offices run out of “Change of Address” packets
- Foreign governments ask Bush and entourage to stay at local Holiday Inns during state visits
- Site for the future George W. Bush Presidential Library chosen near Leavenworth, Kansas
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Message in a Bottle
The message below was found in a bottle on a New Zealand beach by a Chinese American tourist named Walter Yee.
An open letter to the people of the world
Help.
America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.
We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.
It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.
My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.
Help us.
Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.
It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.
An open letter to the people of the world
Help.
America has been hijacked. We are prisoners in our own land.
We ask that our allies come to our aide as we have for them in the past so many times.
It is beyond our capacity to make the necessary changes.
My country’s founders in all their wisdom never saw the possibility of this perfect storm hitting our beloved democracy. America has become a theocracy. Millionaire religious fanatics and corporate robber barons control our government. Our once-sacrosanct ability to set our own political destinies at the ballot box no longer exists. Votes and voters are tampered with at every level of our elections. Protests are monitored and restricted. The “news” is government propaganda in the guise of information. Politicians are bought and sold by special interests like cattle at auction. There are no more checks and balances in the American political system to keep extremists from taking over, and they have. Instead of protecting our liberties, they seek to pry into our private sexual, intellectual, and political lives through government surveillance and loyalty tests. They want to tear down our libraries and colleges and universities and replace them with glass cathedrals and monuments extolling the supernatural.
Help us.
Send troops. College professors. Poets and artists. Coffee house intellectuals. French wine.
It might be too late for us. Do it for the children.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Attack of the Anglo Ayatollahs
I’ve always liked the epithet “American Taliban” to describe the Bush Administration and its national network of religious fanatics. Unfolding events in Washington DC momentarily exposed the dank, wormy side of our homegrown mujahideen for even the most nearsighted citizen to see. The extent of the influence of the zealot class was laid bare in the Miers fiasco. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers displeased our Anglo Ayatollahs when they could not adequately penetrate her psyche to discern her level of ideological obedience. Ergo, she was swiftly disappeared. The real Taliban could not have operated any more effectively, other than to stone Miers to death on the spot. Bush was warned, and Bush obeyed.
Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?
Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?
Worried about a theocracy in America? Don’t bother. It already exists. Although pundits are now declaring Bush “weak” and “wounded” as the result of recent events, an animal is at its most dangerous when it is hurt and threatened. Bush is too stupid to know what to do, as his arrogant selection of Miers makes crystal clear, but his Taliban handlers will keep filling his vacant head with God talk and visions of great statues as they parade him around the country from one disaster to the next, shirt sleeves rolled up, smirk and swagger on autopilot, while they slip back behind the curtain and continue dismantling democracy. Despite the mask falling for a moment revealing the underlying scars and boils, the American Taliban will continue owning us as long as Bush is in the White House and the media remains in a coma. Will the current investigations and indictments be the beginning of the end for Bush and his fellow believers? If there is a God, it should be. On the other hand, if there is a God, whose God is it?
Praise Allah. Praise the Lord. What’s the difference?
Monday, October 24, 2005
Krazy Karl
Washington, DC - In an eleventh hour attempt to avoid prosecution on conspiracy and obstruction of justice charges, attorneys for Karl Rove have entered an insanity defense.
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
At a news conference, Rove’s lead attorney Robert Luskin said, “We believe that Karl Rove is incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, nor is he able to understand the consequences of his actions. We have had several prominent psychologists interview Mr. Rove, and their general consensus is that he is a sociopath, marked by pathological lying, lack of empathy and an utter failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Mr. Rove is unable to participate in his own defense.”
Reporters asked how someone so utterly divorced from reality could reach such a high level of political power. “For years, Mr. Rove has found himself working exclusively within a small cadre of other sociopaths, which only served to reinforce his deviant behavior. There were no reality checks up to this point.”
Asked whether that included the President of the United States, Luskin refused to comment. He added, “Anyone who is familiar with Mr. Rove’s past cannot help but see a pattern of dishonesty, prevarication and criminal behavior, symptoms of a serious mental disorder.”
When a reporter noted that the insanity defense is rarely successful, Mr. Luskin stated, “In Mr. Rove’s case, we believe that the condition is severe enough that the judge will have no alternative but to rule in our favor. There is no question Mr. Rove suffers from an antisocial mental disorder.”
Asked to comment on this latest tactic from the Rove defense team, the White House responded, “The President continues to maintain complete confidence in Karl Rove and cannot discuss details of an ongoing investigation.”
Monday, October 17, 2005
Next time, it's a dead fish wrapped in newspaper
The following letter from Vice President Cheney to his chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libbey was intercepted this weekend by That's Going Too Far! Administration officials deny that this, or Libbey's previous letter to New York Times editor Judith Miller, contains any "code words" or secret messages. However, the experts who have analyzed the letter believe there may in fact be embedded code words intended for Libbey, noting specifically the words in bold face.
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Dear Scooter,
As you know, Old Friend, the weather is changing in D.C., and fall approaches. Although the leaves may fall, the trees continue to stand strong, able to weather the trials and tribulations of winter and bloom anew in the spring. That is, if there are no unhappy surprises, such as an infection or blight that might cause harm to root or branch.
We have been associates for many years, Scooter, and I trust this relationship has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for me. I foresee many more abundant autumns working together in the cause of freedom and democracy.
So I recommend you take some time to contemplate the beautiful silence found in a grove of red maples, where you can experience solace and safety in knowing that you served your country and its leaders steadfastly through your loyalty. Embrace the silence, Scooter, or the winter will find us confined to the lonely cell of our hearts.
Yours truly,
Dick
Friday, October 07, 2005
The Electorate Speaks
Responses to the question, “Do you believe George Bush should be impeached?” from a transcript of a recent “Man on the Street” segment on a local television station here in Minneapolis.
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Who?”
“What for? Being stupid? We’d have to impeach 2/3 of the government.”
“What does my opinion matter? God put him there and God will protect him.”
“How dare you ask such a question. Wait until Homeland Security hears about this. And they will, young man.”
“I haven’t had a meal in two days.”
“Dude, he should be put in front of a firing squad. And then have his skin slowly peeled off. And then be drawn and quartered. And then...”
“I don’t follow politics. Is he the guy from Texas or the bald, grouchy one?”
“Get that thing outta my face ‘fore I put my hammers upside your head.”
“You’re cute. Wanna have some fun?”
“Did you say ‘incontinent’?”
“Which way is seventh?”
“I’ll tell you if you get on your knees here and now and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
“My parakeet thinks the world of him.”
“All I care about is getting my taxes lowered. I don’t care about anything else.”
“I’ve seen them, behind me. They’re riding wild dogs...”
“Impeached? Is that like being embalmed?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The Short List
That’s Going Too Far! has just obtained a copy of the list of finalists (with notes) that Bush was considering for the current Supreme Court vacancy prior to choosing Harriet Miers.
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Judge Judy (she’ll keep Scalia on a leash)
Jeb Bush (payback time for 2000)
Barbara Bush (Sr., Jr., whatever)
Sean Hannity (will look good in a robe)
Jessica Simpson (will look good disrobing)
Tom DeLay (soon to be looking for work)
Thomas Mesereau Jr (he got Michael Jackson off. ‘Nuff said)
Harriet Miers (thinks you’re God’s gift to humanity)
Fred Thompson (good actor)
Margaret Thatcher (Iron Lady. Would need to call in some favors from immigration)
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (at least we’d know where he is)
Friday, September 30, 2005
Abort Retort
On the September 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio program, Bill Bennett reported that "you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down. That would be an impossible, ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down." I have a better idea. We could abort every Republican baby in this country and watch our nation’s general IQ go up. It would be an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but we would be a much more intelligent country.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Last Call
At a Rose Garden ceremony to honor the nation’s kindergarten teachers, a disheveled President Bush shocked the assembled crowd of teachers and children with a profanity-laced speech that ended with the President vomiting on the podium.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Walking unsteadily out of the White House, his shirttails hanging out, the President took to the podium and launched into a policy speech on the need for America to stay the course in Iraq. An aide quickly intervened and seemed to get the befuddled President back on track.
Shortly after welcoming the teachers and students, however, President Bush recalled his own kindergarten teacher, saying he couldn’t remember her name, but that she was a “smelly old b****.” He then recalled that most of his teachers were “a**holes” whose only goal in life was to make him look stupid.
By this point, someone had alerted Laura Bush to the situation, and she came quickly out of the White House and confronted her husband. What she said was inaudible, but Bush’s response was an angry, “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink. I’m the God****** President of the world.” Children started to cry and angry teachers began hustling classes of kids out of the area.
The event ended in pandemonium when the President vomited on the podium several times before being whisked back into the White House by secret service agents.
Aides of the President would not comment on the incident, other than to say Bush was suffering from a serious case of the flu. The White House did send out a brief memo to reporters stating that further reporting of the incident would seriously undermine America’s battle against terrorism.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Congratulations. You Suck.
Washington, DC – In a high security ceremony today, President Bush presented former FEMA Director Michael Brown and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest governmental award given to civilians. The ceremony went smoothly, but the event was not without its critics.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Controversy has surrounded Mr. Bush’s choices for the Medal of Freedom, with Democrats complaining loudly that the two men had completely botched the government’s response to hurricane Katrina months earlier. However, Vice President Cheney deftly deflected the critics by telling Democrats to, “Go f*** yourselves.”
The President praised the highly effective leadership of Brown and Chertoff during a time of national crisis.
“These two guys took the bull by the horn, rallied around the flag, gave people reason to be proud to be Americans,” said the President, adding, “You know, I don’t think it could have gone any better if I’d been in charge.”
Brown, who had not been seen in public during the last three months, appeared pale and thin. When he spoke, he denied rumors that he had been kept in isolation during this period. “Let me be clear, I have been leading a full, rich life over the past months. Those who say they haven’t seen me, including my wife, are simply mistaken. They have seen me, they just don’t remember.”
Chertoff took his opportunity to speak to heap praise on America and Americans. “This would not be possible in any other country on the planet. We are but lowly public servants, doing our jobs to the best of our abilities. To be so honored for our meager efforts is testament to the greatness of our system and our way of life. Thank you, Mr. President, and God Bless America.”
The ceremony, which was conducted in an underground bunker somewhere near Washington, DC, drew to a hasty conclusion when, during a question and answer period, a reporter asked why after all they had been through with Katrina, there was virtually no federal response to the massive earthquake that had struck San Francisco four days ago.
The President asked, “What earthquake?” as Secret Service agents whisked him off of the podium and through a back door.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Are You an American Idiot?
You’ve heard the Green Day song, but do you qualify? What does it take to be an American Idiot? Take this simple True or False test to find out.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
1. The Earth is less than 10,000 years old.
2. God uses natural disasters to punish people.
3. Government is inherently evil.
4. A good leader never apologizes.
5. Empathy is a sign of weakness.
6. People who don’t look, talk or act like me cannot be trusted.
7. The ends justify the means.
8. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. I see dead people.
10. The world will end soon.
11. Big corporations always have my best interests in mind.
12. Really rich people deserve what they have.
13. Really poor people deserve what they have.
14. Being patriotic means supporting whatever the government does (ignore #3).
15. Facts do not define my reality.
16. I eat whatever the hell I want to eat.
17. The French are cowards.
18. Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist
19. Liberals hate America.
20. Bill O’Reilly is smarter than Al Franken.
SCORE: True (1-20) Congratulations. You’re an American idiot. False (20) You’re a quiche-eating, terrorist-sympathizing, tear-down-America, Hell-bound, elitist liberal.
Monday, August 29, 2005
On a First Name Basis
Washington, DC -- Pat Robertson, head of the 2 million strong Christian Coalition, said today that hurricane Katrina was God’s retribution on America for denouncing his call to assassinate Venezuela’s leader Chavez.
“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”
When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.
“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”
A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”
Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”
“Make no mistake,” Robertson told a gathering of reporters, “this is God’s answer to those who would try and use my words against me.”
When Robertson was asked how he knew God was punishing America, he said God told him so.
“You people just don’t seem to get it. God and I are like this [held up to fingers wrapped around each other]. He’s not going to allow me to be humiliated and ridiculed without some response. You don’t push around Pat Robertson and get away with it.”
A reporter asked Robertson how he communicates with God. “Prayer, of course. And sometimes through my television set. It can be quite a jolt when you’re watching FOX News and one of the anchor people says, ‘Pat, I have something very important to tell you.’ Whoa. That will catch your attention.”
Questioned about how God could justify the death and destruction of a hurricane like Katrina in response to a television comment, Robertson said, “Hey, God doesn’t go into every detail of his plan with me. He’s a little busy, you know. My only regret is that it’s hitting red states and not blue ones, but, hey, you don’t second guess the big guy.”
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Speak No Evil
Updated List of Words and Phrases That Cannot Be Spoken Around the President
1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell
1. Cindy Sheehan
2. Impeachment
3. Withdrawal of troops
4. Protesters
5. National debt
6. Change course
7. Poll numbers
8. Leak
9. Popularity
10. Arrogance
11. Spank me
12. Other viewpoints
13. Reason or logic
14. My Pet Goat
15. Michael Moore
16. Timetable
17. WMD
18. Hell
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
We win. Bye, bye.
Toady George Bush told a crowd of military personnel in Idaho, “We will win the war.” What he neglected to mention was how. Ask yourself, what are the possible scenarios for winning this war?
- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.
- The Iraqi insurgents and foreign fighters pouring into the country daily are going to get tired at some point and take their AK 47s and go home?
- Iraqi soldiers, once trained, will forcefully fight against their Muslim brothers?
- We’ll make peace among all the factions in Iraq?
- We’ll convert them all to Christianity?
- We’ll be able to kill every current and future terrorist?
- Other Middle East countries will grow to love our presence in the region and invite us to stay?
- The only plausible answer: We say, “We won” and leave.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Science Outside the Box
Crawford, Texas -- Speaking to reporters from his ranch, President Bush reiterated his stance today that Intelligent Design should be taught in schools along with the theory of evolution. The President went a step further and suggested other subjects that should be taught alongside traditional curricula in public schools.
“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”
The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.
“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”
When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.
The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”
Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.
“I truly believe that phrenology has shown great promise in assessing intelligence and should be included in every anatomy course.”
The President proceeded to use a large pair of ice tongs to compare the size of his head to the heads of several reporters. Results were inconclusive. The president went on to say that medical schools should teach the art of “faith healing” to cure a variety of physical ailments.
“I saw a man of God literally pull the cancer out of a woman’s body. Saw it with my own eyes. Why aren’t we teaching that kind of thing in our medical schools? What are they afraid of?”
When a reporter suggested that faith healing had nothing to do with medicine, security guards immediately escorted the newsman off of the property.
The President stated that the resistance of the scientific community to these ideas perplexes him. “How can you say something doesn’t work if you’ve never studied it?” asked Bush. “Right now, I’m wearing copper underwear, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better in my life. We can’t be stuck in the old ways of thinking that only rely on testing and proof and evidence. It’s the twenty-first century. We’ve got to start thinking outside the box.”
Providing an example, the President questioned why historians omitted the tremendous contribution of elves to the rebuilding of Ireland after the potato famine. At that point, a crow flew over the assembled group and the meeting was immediately halted, with staff members informing stunned reporters that this was a very bad omen.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Sacrificing Humanity on the Altar of Ideology
The right wing’s attacks on peace activist Cindy Sheehan are appalling in every respect, but Rush Limbaugh’s latest salvo is so ugly and low it cannot be ignored. Ridiculing the fact that Sheehan lost a son in Iraq by arguing, “We all lose things,” shows callousness beyond human understanding. It is a clear case of ideology trumping humanity by brutally assaulting someone simply because they don’t believe what you believe. This is the stuff of inquisitions and Islamic theocracies, not a democracy. Thankfully, these attacks on Sheehan are backfiring, and, perhaps best of all, they are laying bare the twisted, black souls of the attackers for all to see.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
More Headlines I’d Like to see
Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Bush Twins Join Marines
Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness
Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles
Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks
Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In
Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.
Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections
Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts
Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony
Bush Meets With Sheehan, Begs For Forgiveness
Rove Brought Into Court In Shackles
Rumsfeld Declares Alien Beings Responsible For Latest Baghdad Attacks
Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Pharmacy Break-In
Bush Rides Bicycle Into Lake. Again.
Democrats Sweep To Victory In Mid-Term Elections
Martha Counsels Condi On Prison Dos And Don’ts
Playwright John Andreini Wins First Tony
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush Won’t Meet With Cindy Sheehan
10. If I don’t clear that brush now it’ll never happen
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.
9. My cowboy hat is at the cleaners getting blocked
8. Intelligence sources tell me there have been Osama Bin Laden sightings as close as Waco
7. Are you kidding? This place is crawling with rattlers
6. Once I get Condi on the phone she just never wants to stop talking
5. Fine. I meet one grieving parent and I’m going to have to meet them all
4. Why would I want to meet with someone who disagrees with me?
3. When I’m not so darned busy conquering the world for democracy, I’ll have plenty of time to chat
2. I’ll talk to anyone who brings a checkbook
1. Why does she want to see me? This is all Cheney’s fault.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Gathering.
For Cindy Sheehan
Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine
Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances
Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes
Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty
Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice
While ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
The mothers and fathers
Dragging their hearts behind them like anchors
Down bitter, choking prairie roads
Ghosts wait on the horizon
Gathering
At the emperor’s gate
Pleading for an audience
Their words roll aimlessly across the dead earth
Like sagebrush through a ravine
Gathering
The emperor will not see them
Cowering behind veils
Lies boiling under his skin
Underlings swirl about in mesmerizing dances
Gathering
Mourners at a funeral
Wondering where their children are hiding
Frightening moments
Followed by echoes
Gathering
Clouds above the stables
The horses sense fear
Drink, my emperor, drink more wine
Languish again in the pool of certainty
Gathering
Mothers and Fathers wail
Ripping at their clothes in frustration
Where is the glory, they demand
To an emperor who can hear nothing but his voice
While ghosts wait on the horizon
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The Paraguay Connection
An article today from Inter Press Service begins with this headline:
U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation
That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
U.S. Military Presence in Paraguay Stirs Speculation
That's Going Too Far! was way out in front of this story when we intercepted and posted the following letter back in March:
March 1, 2005
Mr. Donald Rumsfeld
Office of the Secretary of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Mr. Secretary,
I am taking the liberty of writing to you so that I may present a proposition which could benefit both of our countries. We here in Paraguay are aware that you often send terrorist subjects to countries other than your own for “special handling” not available in the United States. I believe you call it “extraordinary rendition.” We had quite a hoot in my office over this term.
Anyway, I would like to offer the services of my country for future events of extraordinary rendition. After many decades of factional fighting and repressive military governments, we are uniquely positioned to handle uncooperative prisoners. Our country can provide remote locations, essential equipment and trained personnel for information retrieval. In addition, few people on the planet know where Paraguay is located, providing you with a very low profile destination on the media radar. And, we are closer than Syria or Jordan which will cut down on transportation costs.
In return for our services, we ask for only 100M per prisoner. If the prisoner dies in our custody without information being extracted, we cut this cost by 20 percent. You can’t lose. And, as a special bonus for acting today, we will disappear any Amnesty International representatives in the country at no additional charge! Please, this offer is only good as long as the War on Terror continues. Gracias, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Colonel Jose Cezar Moreno
Assistant Minister of Defense
Central Command Bldg, Unit #35
Asuncion, Paraguay
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Repost: The Right Man For The Job
New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Do You Have What It Takes?
That’s Going too Far! recently intercepted this document being sent from the Republican National Committee to state Republican headquarters. Aspiring Republican political candidates must fill out the form and return it to the committee chairs. It is apparently a screening device used by statewide Republican officials to determine if they will offer their endorsement of a candidate.
Dear,
We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.
1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch
2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes
3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.
4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party
5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi
6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.
7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject
8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse
Dear,
We truly appreciate your desire to serve your country through political office. America needs more men and women like you who will step up to the plate and provide conservative leadership at all levels of government. Please help us better understand who you are and what positions you will take on certain issues by completing this questionnaire. This form must be filled out and returned before we will consider an endorsement. God bless America.
1.I am: (check all that apply)
Pro-Life
Anti-gay
Christian
Not a felon (I’m pretty sure)
Groomed and neat
FOX News enthusiast
Gun owner
Considered strange by my neighbors
A Limbaugh Ditto Head
Wearing leather underwear
A tax cutting son-of-a-bitch
2.Please rank the following issues in order of importance to you.
Iraq
Economy
Worldwide terrorism
Nuclear proliferation
The decline of morality in America
Getting a Dunkin’ Donuts on Main Street
Abortion
Keeping every damn thing that is mine
Immigration
America’s image in the world and how to make it worse
Paris Hilton
Taxes
3.Complete this sentence. “I believe we were justified in invading Iraq because________.
The President said we needed to. That’s good enough for me.
We found WMDs in Saddam’s basement. The government just hasn’t made that public.
Baghdad Bob was simply too annoying to tolerate.
We freed the Iraqis from a dictator.
If we didn’t fight them in Iraq, we’d be fighting them at Jay’s Gas n’ Go
Iran might have fought back.
4.Because you are on a mission from God as a Republican candidate, it is sometimes okay to...(check those that apply)
Lie
Cheat
Steal
Have sex in public
Mug the middle class
Drive a Mercedes
Make racist and sexist comments
Set aside your personal convictions for the good of the party
5.Please choose your favorite movie from this list:
Patton
Passion of the Christ
Mortal Kombat III
The Crying Game
Dawn of the Dead
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The Green Berets (or anything else with John Wayne)
Bambi
When Cheerleaders Go Wild
Ghandi
6.Your constituents are overwhelming in favor of keeping abortion legal. Your response is:
Shut up
It was a flawed poll
I have a mandate....
Polls can tell you whatever you want to hear
Sorry, I’m late for an appointment.
7.The RNC issues talking points with which you disagree. What do you do?
Use them anyway
Say what I really feel about the issue
Get drunk
Wipe my ass with them
Change the subject
8.If you are elected to public office, what will be your first act?
Flip off my Democratic opponent
Get drunk
Thank all of my loyal supporters and contributors
Measure my new office
Divorce my spouse
Friday, July 22, 2005
What the hell?
Through a FOIA request, That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a document from the State Department that raises some intriguing, previously unknown issues about Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts. The document, although highly redacted, appears to be a signed contract between Roberts and Satan.
Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.
Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”
Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”
Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”
Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”
Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.
Carefully picking through the words in the document, analysts suggest that it is a contract involving an exchange of Roberts’ eternal soul for a position on the Supreme Court. If this is in fact, a pact with the Devil, questions arise as to the impact it will have on his nomination hearings.
Legal experts agree that while the document could be damaging from a public relations perspective, there is nothing in legal precedence or the Constitution addressing the issue of demonic intervention. “This is one Jefferson never saw coming,” said Edward Beeglan, a professor and expert on Supreme Court issues at Harvard Law School. “I’m sure there will be some on the Democratic side of the aisle who will make this an issue. But is it enough to sink the nomination? I really don’t think so.”
Asked about this potentially embarrassing aspect of Roberts’ past, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch said it did not have an affect on his support for the nominee. “Roberts is the perfect man for the job. The Democrats are digging up dirt in the futile hope that they can hurt his chances for appointment. Believe me, there is no loss of faith in Roberts among Republicans.”
Despite his uneasiness with the current revelation, Democratic Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware seemed resigned to Roberts’ eventually sitting on the High Court. “Making a deal with the Devil does not display the highest ethical and moral standards I would expect of a Supreme Court Justice, but his stellar qualifications and legal acumen will, I think, carry the day.”
Not all Democrats were as reconciled as Biden. On the Capital steps, California Senator Barbara Boxer held up a large cross to reporters. “A deal with the Devil? Okay, let’s see what happens when I put this on his forehead. All bets are off when he starts speaking Latin backwards.”
Despite the rhetoric, Washington insiders consider the Roberts’ nomination a done deal.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Mehlman Outs Hillary
WASHINGTON DC – In a press release sure to raise eyebrows from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman asserts that the mysterious second person to leak Valarie Plame’s name to the media was Hillary Clinton.
“Let her record speak for itself,” said Mehlman at an impromptu press conference. “Hillary Clinton has been at the center of virtually every Washington scandal over the past fifteen years. This treasonous activity has her name written all over it.”
When asked if he had any evidence implicating the New York Senator in the Plame affair, Mehlman scoffed. “Of course I do. I have eye witnesses, receipts, video. I’ve got enough hard evidence to put Killery away for a long, long time.”
Reporters asked to see the evidence, but were rebuffed. “How stupid do you think I am?” asked Mehlman. “It’s in a safe place. At the appropriate time I will turn over everything I have to the authorities.”
“This witch hunt in the administration must stop,” continued Mehlman. “To assert that God-loving, God-fearing people like Karl Rove and Libby Scooter could be involved in treasonous activities is beyond belief. It’s ludicrous. No, you have to look at suspects who have demonstrated amoral behavior time and time again. That would be Democrats, specifically, the female Senator from New York. I don’t even like saying her name.”
Reporters pressed Mehlman to reveal any actual evidence he had against Clinton. Mehlman then held a piece of paper over his head. “This, ladies and gentleman, is an inventory of all the evidence I have against Hillary Clinton. One hundred and....ten separate pieces of damning evidence. I will be turning this list over to the FBI shortly after I leave this press conference.”
Repeated calls to FBI officials have not been answered.
“Let her record speak for itself,” said Mehlman at an impromptu press conference. “Hillary Clinton has been at the center of virtually every Washington scandal over the past fifteen years. This treasonous activity has her name written all over it.”
When asked if he had any evidence implicating the New York Senator in the Plame affair, Mehlman scoffed. “Of course I do. I have eye witnesses, receipts, video. I’ve got enough hard evidence to put Killery away for a long, long time.”
Reporters asked to see the evidence, but were rebuffed. “How stupid do you think I am?” asked Mehlman. “It’s in a safe place. At the appropriate time I will turn over everything I have to the authorities.”
“This witch hunt in the administration must stop,” continued Mehlman. “To assert that God-loving, God-fearing people like Karl Rove and Libby Scooter could be involved in treasonous activities is beyond belief. It’s ludicrous. No, you have to look at suspects who have demonstrated amoral behavior time and time again. That would be Democrats, specifically, the female Senator from New York. I don’t even like saying her name.”
Reporters pressed Mehlman to reveal any actual evidence he had against Clinton. Mehlman then held a piece of paper over his head. “This, ladies and gentleman, is an inventory of all the evidence I have against Hillary Clinton. One hundred and....ten separate pieces of damning evidence. I will be turning this list over to the FBI shortly after I leave this press conference.”
Repeated calls to FBI officials have not been answered.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Son of Rove
The rumors have been flying around the beltway that 43 is already putting out discreet feelers for someone to replace Karl Rove. While the media types chase their tales around the city, That’s Going Too Far! has already confirmed this story. In fact, we have obtained a questionnaire that is being sent on the very hush-hush to potential candidates for Rove’s replacement. Here is what they want to know about the second most powerful man in the world (behind Cheney):
1. A prominent Senate Democrat starts making noises about impeachment hearings. Your response is:
a. Press releases and the talk show circuit
b. Sic Zel Miller on her
c. Pay her daughter’s daycare worker to pump the child for dirt
d. Send talking points to FOX
2. An upcoming Senate race is razor close in an important red state. Your strategy is:
a. 24-hour surveillance
b. Hacking opponents computers
c. Leak to press opponents arrest for marijuana 30 years ago
d. Pay opponents cleaning service to tell all
3. A high profile Republican governor is implicated in a sex scandal. You would help by:
a. Getting every law enforcement agency in the state to look into the pole dancer’s background
b. Having the Pope speak in the governor’s defense
c. Starting a war somewhere
d. Giving the governor the Medal of Freedom
4. A very hot Hollywood star is dissing the President at every opportunity. How would you handle this?
a. Have Jerry Falwell conduct a revival meeting at the Hollywood Bowl
b. Accuse the star of being a former Republican
c. Pay his make-up person for dirt
d. Have the Pope excommunicate the offender
5. The President’s ratings with the American people are in the tank. How would you fix this?
a. Have the President give a prime-time speech in which he reveals he has a life-threatening disease
b. Have the President survive a “terrorist attack”
c. Capture Osama Bin Laden
d. Send the twins to Iraq
1. A prominent Senate Democrat starts making noises about impeachment hearings. Your response is:
a. Press releases and the talk show circuit
b. Sic Zel Miller on her
c. Pay her daughter’s daycare worker to pump the child for dirt
d. Send talking points to FOX
2. An upcoming Senate race is razor close in an important red state. Your strategy is:
a. 24-hour surveillance
b. Hacking opponents computers
c. Leak to press opponents arrest for marijuana 30 years ago
d. Pay opponents cleaning service to tell all
3. A high profile Republican governor is implicated in a sex scandal. You would help by:
a. Getting every law enforcement agency in the state to look into the pole dancer’s background
b. Having the Pope speak in the governor’s defense
c. Starting a war somewhere
d. Giving the governor the Medal of Freedom
4. A very hot Hollywood star is dissing the President at every opportunity. How would you handle this?
a. Have Jerry Falwell conduct a revival meeting at the Hollywood Bowl
b. Accuse the star of being a former Republican
c. Pay his make-up person for dirt
d. Have the Pope excommunicate the offender
5. The President’s ratings with the American people are in the tank. How would you fix this?
a. Have the President give a prime-time speech in which he reveals he has a life-threatening disease
b. Have the President survive a “terrorist attack”
c. Capture Osama Bin Laden
d. Send the twins to Iraq
Monday, July 11, 2005
President, Heal Thyself
The President’s most recent bicycle accident is only the latest in a long line of minor physical traumas involving Bush and his immediate surroundings. Most of the President’s accidents have been kept from the public eye, but That’s Going Too Far! has obtained copies of medical reports kept by Bush’s personal physician. The records reveal that Bush has had numerous close calls and potentially life-threatening medical situations over the past five years. Here are some examples.
5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.
5/14/01 – Stuck finger into pencil sharpener again. Minor skin and nail damage. Prosthetic finger will be used until full healing.
7/25/01 – Shot self in left eye with rubber band. Only temporary irritation. Rx eye drops.
11/04/01 – Attempted to head-butt Rumsfeld but missed and hit wall. Localized bruising and swelling on forehead. No symptoms of concussion. Rx Tylenol.
3/15/02 – Bit tongue during speech. Some bleeding and discomfort. Rx Tylenol.
5/20/02 – Stabbed boot with a pitchfork while clearing brush. Slight swelling of small toe, right foot.
12/25/02 – Sliced left wrist while carving turkey during Christmas dinner. Required six stitches.
4/7/03 – Complaints of “visions” or “hallucinations” during nighttime hours. Claims to see dead soldiers pointing at him accusingly. Rx mild sedative to help with sleep.
8/17/03 – OD Viagra resulting in two-day erection. Not noticeable so no need for Rx.
10/2/03 – Tipped over desk chair, falling backwards. No signs of trauma.
1/5/04 – Suffered several wasp stings while clearing brush. Rx calomine lotion and rest.
11/2/04 – Attempts to remove listening device after Kerry debate result in short circuit and minor electrical burns to back and shoulders. Rx cortisone ointment.
3/18/05 – Genitals caught in zipper again. Minor irritation and swelling. Advised aide to investigate Velcro closers.
5/2/05 – Accidentally took entire bottle of sedatives while watching evening news. Rushed to WR to have stomach pumped. Bed rest for two days.
6/19/05 – Entire staff drinks bad Kool Aid resulting in stomach cramps and vomiting.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Speech I'd Like To Hear Bush Deliver Tonight
Fellow Americans. I stand here before you tonight a humbled man. Today, early this morning, I sat in a small room off of the Oval Office alone, in meditation, and I did something I hadn’t done up until that moment. I reflected on my time as President, silently, in prayer, and I thought back on the decisions I’d made on many issues over the past four years. I asked God, and myself, “Have I done the right thing?” To my surprise, I was suddenly overcome by tears and I wept. I couldn’t stop myself from bawling like a baby. My mistakes, arrogant, prideful mistakes, filled me like some dark spirit filling an empty bottle. I was consumed with dread and fear. And it said to me, “Behold the truth or I will be your companion for eternity.”
I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.
Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.
I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.
I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.
My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.
I fell to my knees, not really knowing if I was dreaming or awake. The menace inside me said again, “Behold the truth.” I trembled, trying to understand what this meant. And then, as I spoke the word “truth” out loud, a light flickered and grew in my mind, and the truth began to make itself known in my thoughts. Let me tell you, it was terrifying and liberating at the same time. As I acknowledge each error that I had committed, as I apologized, the demon that possessed me weakened, until finally, it was gone completely.
Friends, I know that is a long introduction, but it was such a powerful moment in my life that I knew I must share it with you. So now, I am committed to something I should have been committed to all along. The truth. Tomorrow, on my orders, the Pentagon will begin drafting an exit strategy for our troops in Iraq. I cannot tolerate the loss of one more life in a cause that was wrong from the beginning. Our campaign against Iraq had very little to do with the war on terror. Many of you already know that. We needed a foothold in the Middle East. We needed more control over oil supplies. And I needed to settle a score with Saddam. We were quite aware these were not good enough reasons to go to war, so we worked day and night to come up with better ones. I’m not proud of it, but that is the truth. And to every family who has lost a loved one, every soldier injured, every man or woman separated from their families, and every Iraqi, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I can change the future, and our troops will be home from Iraq by year’s end.
I am asking for the resignations of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz. I hope to have letters on my desk by tomorrow. Vice President Cheney will assume a much lower profile in my administration over the next three years. I have been ill advised over the years. That now comes to an end.
I pledge to work with the United Nations and our allies around the globe in helping secure the peace in Iraq once our troops are gone. We will do everything in our power to restore the infrastructure in that country so that all Iraqis have the basics such as food, clean water, electricity and shelter.
My actions regarding Iraq have been inexcusable, and therefore, I do not offer any excuses. I only offer my deepest regrets and most profound apologies. If impeachment hearings are started, I will instruct Republicans in both houses not to resist. I place myself at the mercy of my fellow Americans. However, should you choose to follow me on a new, brighter course, we can turn the ship of state around toward the light of true democracy and away from the darkness of war and fear. Together, as a country once more united, we can spread democracy through example and good deeds, not the barrel of a gun. We must maintain a strong military, but not at the expense of the things that have made this country a beacon of democracy in the world. I leave you now to search your own hearts and look for the truth. It is in there, my friends. You just have to look. Good night.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Class, your attention please...
Okay, Democrats, let’s go through this one more time:
Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.
Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.
Class dismissed.
Democrat Dick Durbin makes remarks comparing the torture at Guantanamo Bay to repressive regimes such as the Nazis. Democrats cringe. Democrats distance themselves from Durbin. Republicans shriek, “foul” through the media echo chamber. Media smells blood and pounces. Durbin apologizes. Lasting image: Democrats are weak and indecisive.
Republican Karl Rove makes ludicrous remarks that Democrats didn’t have the stomach to fight terrorism after 9/11. Republicans applaud. Republicans gather around Rove. White House approves. Democrats squeak, “foul” to anyone who will listen. Media doesn’t question the veracity of the remarks. Lasting image: Republicans are tough and resolute.
Class dismissed.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
His Highness Will See You Now
“Coming to office after the more casual Clinton administration, Bush imposed a strict dress code and standards of promptness for employees, visitors and even the rumpled press corps.” Houston Chronicle, June 18, 2005.
That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.
May 28, 2005
Office of White House Decorum
To all;
When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:
1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.
That’s Going Too Far! has obtained a copy of the most recent “codes and standards” issued to White House visitors and the press.
May 28, 2005
Office of White House Decorum
To all;
When in the presence of the President of the United States, please observe the following rules:
1.All men must wear a suit and tie. Women must wear modest, work-appropriate attire. Democrats must wear red armbands and remove shoes. The only exceptions are foreign visitors, sports stars and animals.
2.Tardiness to meetings will not be tolerated. Visitors who are late will not be allowed to look upon the face of the President.
3.Touching the furniture in the vicinity of the President is strictly forbidden. Any visitor observed doing this would lose his or her citizenship.
4.Addressing the President in any other manner than, “Mr. President, Sir” will result in an IRS audit and six months of Secret Service surveillance (if not already underway).
5.Kissing the President’s ring is optional but encouraged.
6.Negative remarks made within the President’s “Circle of Safety” are cause for immediate relocation to central Nebraska under the Patriot Act.
7.Any joke that does not make the President laugh will be considered a death threat and appropriate security actions will be taken.
8.Ugliness will not be tolerated. Security will issue head coverings to those persons deemed “unsightly” and the coverings must be worn at all times around the President.
9.Liberals must wear cowboy hats.
10.All visitors must stand at attention while in the vicinity of the President. The only exceptions are family members, who may stand at parade rest.
11.Please do not ask the President to heal any physical malady by laying on hands. His secretary will deal with these matters.
12.Touching the President in any manner will result in your immediate execution (unless he first extends his hand to shake).
13.Never look directly into the President’s eyes.
14.When in doubt, fall to your knees and beg for the President’s forgiveness.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Thanks For All You Do
MEMO
DATE: June 7, 2005
FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett
TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.
Dear Friends,
I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.
However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.
The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.
Dan
DATE: June 7, 2005
FROM: White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett
TO: News Department Heads of NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX.
Dear Friends,
I want to thank you all for your continuing efforts to keep the Downing Street Memo out of the limelight. As we’ve all agreed, the attention span of the American public is shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper, so the memo business is truly old news unworthy of your valuable air time.
However, there have been a few rogue newspapers around the country that have broken ranks and made a big deal of the memos. Fortunately, these are smaller market papers and there have only been minor reverberations. But, in everyone’s best interests, it is a trend that we do not want to see expand. If your parent company owns any of the offending papers, please convey your displeasure about this situation and ask that they “speak” to the editors. We need to nip this integrity thing in the bud. We all know the harm that would result should the DSM story gain any momentum. It would be sad indeed not to be able to welcome all members of the press to White House functions and briefings.
The President extends a special “thank you” to all of you for your allegiance and ongoing cooperation. You are serving a higher purpose as you help us advance democracy around the world while we retool it here at home. Good work, everyone.
Dan
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
The Right Man for the Right Job
New York – John Bolton’s first day on the job as Unites States Ambassador to the U.N. sparked fireworks never before seen in this normally dignified assemblage. Bolton used his welcoming speech to verbally attack the U.N., Cuba, Syria, Iran and North Korea.
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Bolton was booed 31 times during his five-minute speech to the General Assembly and several small objects believed to be pens and paper clips were thrown at the new ambassador. A dart from a blowgun was also found stuck to the back of Bolton’s chair.
The ambassadors from Syria and Korea voiced angry protests to Bolton’s speech, while the Cuban ambassador, Emile Agorre, jumped over his desk and challenged Bolton to a fistfight. Bolton had to be restrained by several nearby members. Calm was restored momentarily until Bolton saw the Iranian ambassador using his hand to make an “L” for “loser.” This sparked a second round of insults and pushing and shoving incidents, after which, Secretary General Koffi Annan called for an immediate recess.
Asked about the raucous start to Bolton’s tenure, President Bush said Bolton was doing a fine job and was carrying out the wishes of the administration to take a more “pro-active” approach to deliberations. “Bolton,” said the President, “is perfect for the job.”
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Repost. I've Been A Very Naughty President
The following phone conversation transcript was passed along to That’s Going Too Far! by Tara, a phone sex operator by day, suburban mother of two at night.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tara answers the phone
Hi, sweety. How can I pleasure you?
Caller
Uh…my name’s Georgy.
Tara
Hello, Georgy. Is this your first time?
Caller
Yeah. I was in a meeting on the missile defense shield and all that talk of hard targets and kill ratios got me excited. I…needed some stress relief.
Tara
I was just lying on my bed naked, hoping you’d call.
Caller
You were waiting for me to call? Wow. You must be a mind reader, too. That’s amazing. What am I thinking now?
Tara
Mmm….you want to know what I’m doing with my hands.
Caller
That is fucking amazing. You’re right. I’m in a little office off of the West Wing with the door locked.
Tara
So you’re an actor.
Caller
Well, that is my job about 90 percent of the time.
Tara
Oh, your Texas accent is so sexy, it’s making me wet.
Caller
Really? Wow. Most people think it makes me sound stupid. You know, you really seem to understand me. Not like my wife.
Tara
Would your wife do herself? Like this…? Oooh
Caller
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen her naked in three years. She’d rather put knitting needles through her eyes than have a roll in bed.
Tara
You could imagine she’s here with me, and I’m getting her off.
Caller
Naw. That would be about as much fun as imagining Rumsfeld naked. Now you and Condi….
Tara
How’s your missile doing, Pardner? Getting ready to launch?
Caller
Actually, it launched when you said, “Hi, Sweety.” But I enjoy talking to you.
Tara
Yeah, it was wonderful for me too.
Caller
Maybe you’d like a private tour of the White House some time?
Tara
Sure. We could do it in Lincoln’s bed.
Caller
Uh, they don’t let me in there. Afraid I might break something. But there are plenty of other places. I think Clinton left a map.
Tara
You’re funny. Time’s about up, Georgy. Call me sometime and we’ll play, “I’m the naughty President” again.
Caller
Okay. I do love to play that game.
Hangs up.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
How Wrong Can You Be?
Hi folks. Tim Marshall here hosting America’s favorite game show, “How Wrong Can You Be?” That’s right. This is the show where your ignorance is our entertainment. As you know, the losing contestant gets a whole lot of humiliation and grief from moi just for being so stupid. But hey, it’s funny. So let’s jump right into the show. Shall we? Bob, who are our contestants today?
Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.
[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]
TIM
Gregory, welcome.
GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?
GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.
TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?
BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]
TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.
GINA
What’s that, Tim?
TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.
GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.
TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.
BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]
TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.
BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?
BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.
TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.
BUSH
I understand.
TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.
GINA
Ready, Tim.
TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?
GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.
TIM
Hurry, Gina.
GINA
Okay. New York?
TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?
GREGORY
Who?
TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.
GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?
TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?
BUSH
Ready, Tim.
TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?
BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…
TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.
BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?
TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.
BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.
TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.
GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.
TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.
GINA
Huh?
TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.
GREGORY
I’m ready.
TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?
TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.
GINA
Shoot.
BUSH
Don’t get me started.
TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….
GINA
My question…?
TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.
GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.
TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.
GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]
TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.
BUSH
Fire away, Tim.
TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?
BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.
TIM
This from the President of the United States.
BUSH
Umm, Picasso?
TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”
GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.
TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.
GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….
[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]
BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.
TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.
GINA
Can I come back on another night?
TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.
GINA
Are you kidding me?
TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.
GINA
This is bull—
TIM
Your answer, please.
GINA
Howdy Doody.
TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.
GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.
TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?
GREGORY
Paris Hilton.
TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.
BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.
TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?
BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.
TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.
[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]
TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?
BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.
TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.
BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.
[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]
BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.
TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.
BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.
TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.
[applause and fade out]
Bob
Well, Tim, we have a pastry chef from Birmingham, Alabama who loves golfing, crossword puzzles and Monster Truck events. Let’s here it for Gregory Shiller.
[Shiller enters and stands behind a podium]
TIM
Gregory, welcome.
GREGORY
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Who’s your favorite monster truck?
GREGORY
Whoa. I hope the other questions are a little tougher. It’s the Grave Digger, Tim.
TIM
Okay. Mine too. Bob?
BOB
Our second contestant is from San Francisco, California. Gina Fazzetti loves the Grateful Dead, nude swimming and Sushi.
[Gina enters]
TIM
Gina. Welcome to the show. But…there’s something wrong here.
GINA
What’s that, Tim?
TIM
You don’t have a flower in your hair.
GINA
[laughing]
Tim, that’s only when you’re going to San Francisco, not Burbank.
TIM
Point taken. Okay. Tonight, everyone, we have a very, very, very special surprise. Our third contestant is…well, Bob, go ahead and spill the beans.
BOB
Wow. Well, he lives in Washington, D.C. He’s a huge fan of the show. Guesses anyone? He hails from Texas originally…. Yes…here on our show….The President of the United States, George Bush.
[Bush enters to Pomp and Circumstance as the crowd goes wild. He goes to his podium, smiling broadly]
TIM
Wow. All I can think right now is, “WOW.” President Bush, welcome.
BUSH
Thanks, Tim. Glad to be here.
TIM
Why…how…I’m tongue tied. First time in decades. Sir, how did you decide to come on our show?
BUSH
Well, Tim. I am really a big fan. Sure, I could have done Leno or Larry King, but where’s the fun in that? [audience howls] I wanted to participate. You know, be a part of the show.
TIM
And so you are. Okay. If I don’t move it along, our sponsors will participate in canceling the show.
BUSH
I understand.
TIM
Okay, contestants. Let’s begin, “How Wrong Can You Be?” First question. It goes to Gina, who won the toss backstage. The category is U.S. history. Gina. Ready.
GINA
Ready, Tim.
TIM
The War of 1812 began in what U.S. city?
GINA
War of 1812? What… Oh, my.
TIM
Hurry, Gina.
GINA
Okay. New York?
TIM
Oh, sorry, Gina. Detroit. Believe it or not. A bad place to be even then. Okay, Gregory. Here is your question. The category is music. In 1843 Richard Wagner wrote what famous piece of music?
GREGORY
Who?
TIM
Richard Wagner. 1843.
GREGORY
Jesus…. Oh, scuse me. Uh…wow. Mmm was it the fifth concerto?
TIM
Ooh. No. I’m sorry. It was Die Fliegende Hollander. We would have accepted The Flying Dutchman. Well, that brings us to our third contestant…the President of the United States. [audience applauds wildly] Are you ready, Sir?
BUSH
Ready, Tim.
TIM
Here we go. The category is entertainment. Here’s the question. In 1981, Steven Spielberg made an action, adventure movie about a tough-as-nails archeologist on a search for the Holy Grail. What was that movie?
BUSH
Gee… It’s on the tip of my tongue. I can see the guy with the hat…
TIM
[under his breath] Harrison Ford.
BUSH
Yeah. Uh…. Wow… This is tougher than I thought. Mmm, Ship of Fools?
TIM
Close enough. Raiders of the Lost Ark.
BUSH
Wow. That was a last second shot.
TIM
Well. Good going, Sir.
GINA
Excuse me, Tim, but his guess was wrong.
TIM
Okay. Okay. That’s a valid observation on the surface, but…paragraph 6, subsection B of the rules state that an answer given in good faith, with some relationship to the actual answer may be accepted as the right answer.
GINA
Huh?
TIM
Okay, it’s back to Gregory. Watch out. The Prez is up ten points.
GREGORY
I’m ready.
TIM
Here it is. The category is “artists.” Who is considered the last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
The last and greatest master of the ukiyo-e style of painting?
GREGORY
Shi… Sorry. Uh, Jackie Chan?
TIM
Oh, sorry. The answer is Ando Hiroshige. Ando Hiroshige. Gina. Coming at you. The category is economics.
GINA
Shoot.
BUSH
Don’t get me started.
TIM
[laughing] Don’t get me started. Oh, that’s good. That’s rich….
GINA
My question…?
TIM
Oh. Right. Okay, Gina. What do we call an industry consisting of a small number of large-scale suppliers, thus decreasing competition.
GINA
Hah. Gotcha, Tim. It’s an olinopoly.
TIM
Oh, Gina. Gina, Gina, Gina. You were so close. So close. It’s “oligopoly.” I’m sorry.
GINA
I was close. Like him. [points to Bush]
TIM
But not close enough. Okay. President Bush. Here is your question.
BUSH
Fire away, Tim.
TIM
The category is art. Who is the Dutch artist know for cutting off his own ear?
BUSH
Artist who cut off his ear? Who…? Gosh darn it. I shoulda paid more attention in school.
TIM
This from the President of the United States.
BUSH
Umm, Picasso?
TIM
Okay, you are close. Ends in “O.”
GREGORY
Look, I voted for Bush, but you can’t give him hints.
TIM
Gregory, I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to deduct points for speaking out of turn.
GREGORY
What? That’s just wrong….
[a note is passed to Bush during the exchange]
BUSH
Van Gogh, Tim. Vincent Van Gogh.
TIM
That is correct, Sir. Wow. You are taking a commanding lead.
GINA
Can I come back on another night?
TIM
Gina, it’s your turn. The category is ancient architecture.
GINA
Are you kidding me?
TIM
What Greek sculpture oversaw the construction of the Parthenon in Athens.
GINA
This is bull—
TIM
Your answer, please.
GINA
Howdy Doody.
TIM
Oh, I am sorry, Gina. It’s Phidias. Phidias. Gregory?
GREGORY
What?
TIM
It’s your turn. The category is Mayan history.
GREGORY
Oooh. My area of expertise.
TIM
Who was the Mayan god of war?
GREGORY
Paris Hilton.
TIM
Sorry, big guy. It’s Cit Chac Coh. Okay, here we are with the final question of the night. Mr. President, answer this on correctly and you take home the grand prize.
BUSH
Grand prize, huh? Hope it’s a Hummer.
TIM
[whispering to someone off stage] Okay. Sorry about that. Now, here is your question. The category is Famous Monuments. This memorial is located near Rapid City, South Dakota. It depicts the heads of four famous U.S. presidents. What is the name of this monument?
BUSH
Monuments? I thought it was supposed to be sports? Huh? Okay. Okay. Umm, South Dakota. Uh…oh, I know. I know. It’s Devils Tower, Tim. [there is tremendous commotion off stage. Bush squints to read something] Which…is…near…Mount Rushmore.
TIM
[excited] Mount Rushmore. That is correct. You are tonight’s big winner.
[Gina and Time talk for a moment and then walk off the set]
TIM
Hey, guys…. Well, what are you going to do with sore losers. Huh?
BUSH
Could have them arrested. [pause] Just kidding, Tim.
TIM
I knew that, Sir. Okay, this is the big moment. Bob, tell the President what he has won tonight.
BOB
Mr. President, you are now the proud owner of…a brand new jet black Hummer.
[audience goes crazy as curtains rise to reveal Hummer]
BUSH
Oh my God. It’s beautiful. A work of art.
TIM
And it’s all yours, Sir.
BUSH
Wow, Tim. This was really tough, I have to say. You know, you play at home and it seems like you can answer every question, but when you’re here…it’s really more stressful.
TIM
Well, Sir, let me be the first to say that you handled the stress like the leader that you are. Cool. Very cool. Okay America. That’s it for tonight. Unfortunately, we can’t ridicule our losers because they’ve left the studio. But the winner remains. Let’s sign off with a huge round of applause for the President of the United States.
[applause and fade out]
Majority Rules
WASHINGTON DC -- After largely winning the battle in congress over his federal judge nominations, an emboldened President Bush is again challenging Democrats with a series of new House Rules for behavior. The new rules would require that all congressional Democrats wear white t-shirts with a red bulls eye on the chest. The back of the t-shirts would read: “I’m with stupid.”
Dems would also be required to have their heads shaved and have their state names tattooed on their forearms. Before speaking on the floor, Dems must ask: “DeLay, may I?” And when addressing fellow members, Democrats may only speak in Pig Latin.
Needless to say, Democrats are hostile to the new changes. “This is one more humiliation heaped upon us by power-mad Republicans,” noted Congressperson Harry Reid. “The problem is, they have the votes to get it passed into law.”
Senator Hillary Clinton said the law violates any sense of bipartisanship in congress. “It’s insane,” said Clinton. “Their push toward a one party system now includes dictating how we dress. I’ll shave my head when hell freezes over.”
Republicans deny this is an attempt humiliate the opposing party. Bill Frist said, “They’re blowing this out of proportion, but then they are the “Blame America first” party. They should appreciate the fact that they’re going to be allowed to live.”
Dems would also be required to have their heads shaved and have their state names tattooed on their forearms. Before speaking on the floor, Dems must ask: “DeLay, may I?” And when addressing fellow members, Democrats may only speak in Pig Latin.
Needless to say, Democrats are hostile to the new changes. “This is one more humiliation heaped upon us by power-mad Republicans,” noted Congressperson Harry Reid. “The problem is, they have the votes to get it passed into law.”
Senator Hillary Clinton said the law violates any sense of bipartisanship in congress. “It’s insane,” said Clinton. “Their push toward a one party system now includes dictating how we dress. I’ll shave my head when hell freezes over.”
Republicans deny this is an attempt humiliate the opposing party. Bill Frist said, “They’re blowing this out of proportion, but then they are the “Blame America first” party. They should appreciate the fact that they’re going to be allowed to live.”
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Myth Over Matter
As debates rage in Kansas and other states over whether Intelligent Design should be taught alongside the theory of evolution in public schools, the Department of Education has received a number of requests from individuals and groups to include their versions of creation in the curricula. Some examples:
Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.
Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”
Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.
Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.
Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.
Little Misu – This Asian story involves a little girl (Misu) who is lost in the universe. She is searching everywhere for her mommy and daddy but cannot find them. She comes upon a mystical monkey (Jaja Lou) who makes fun of her until she cries. Her tears fall and freeze into little round balls that make up the planets in the universe. Her first tear was earth.
Papa Gubo Dancer – A small South Pacific tribe believes the world was created by an elderly sea bass that longed to dance. He wished so hard and so long that he could dance, he sprouted arms and legs and a sense of rhythm. This was the first walking animal on earth. The fish also invented the dance, “The Swim.”
Old Crow – Native Americans tell the tale of Old Crow, a drunken bird who flew from the sacred clouds one day in search of food. Soon he landed on a planet that was abundant with berries and worms, but little else. Old Crow was hungry, so he ate and ate until he could eat no more. Then he had to shit. When he shit, he looked down at the glob and saw that it was alive. From berries and worms came the first man.
Schlumpgar – Decendents of an ancient Germanic tribe believe that before the heavens and the earth, there was Schlumpgar. Half bear, half turtle and half horse (math was not their strong suit), Schlumpgar rumbled through the pre-existence darkness looking for someone to battle. He finally encountered Ulcer the Cantankerous, and the two battled for seven hundred years. Schlumpgar finally won, and in his glee he cut Ulcer up into a million pieces and threw them up into the blackness with a curse to create the stars and planets.
Star Birth – According to the members of the Silver Hand Explorers, who live in Airstreams around Nevada’s Area 51, the earth was impregnated by alien beings billions of years ago. Their daring experiment failed, however, resulting in hideous, dangerous mutants known as humans. They would have destroyed earth long ago but government funding for their work ran dry. They have decided to let us drift harmlessly in space...for now.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
To our Newsweek Readers,
We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.
The Editors
We extend our apologies to our readers for a recent article in which the author stated the Quran might have been desecrated in the presence of Muslim prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We retract this assertion, and agree that there were errors of judgment committed. We regret that our story is completely responsible for the recent rioting and deaths in Afghanistan and Pakistan. We also take blame for the tsunami that killed many thousands of people in South-East Asia. And we accept full responsibility for our failure in Vietnam and for global warming (which may or may not be a scientific fact). We agree with the Bush administration that our article was reprehensible, vile, disgusting, filthy and perhaps treasonous. All of us here have clearly seen the evil of our ways and the entire editorial staff at Newsweek will jump from the 21st floor of our headquarters at 57th Street in Manhattan before the end of business today. We pray for God’s forgiveness, and, perhaps more importantly, for the forgiveness of the Bush administration, which we have deeply (but we are sure, not permenantly) offended.
The Editors
Friday, May 13, 2005
From Sold Out to Sell Out. A Cautionary Tale.
The scene is a ten-year old’s birthday party. Mom is herding the children into the living room of a comfortable suburban home, urging them to sit on the floor.
MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.
CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?
BARRY
Yo, he kicks—
MOM
Who?
JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?
MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.
TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]
BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.
TOMMY
Shut up.
BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.
MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]
MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?
JEREMY
Mom…?
MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.
JEREMY
Ten.
MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.
TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.
MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.
TOMMY
I’m nine.
MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.
BARRY
When are you going to be funny?
MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.
TOMMY
Until you sold out.
M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?
JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.
MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—
TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.
MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.
MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]
MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.
MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.
MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]
MOM
Come on, guys. Everybody sit down now. We have a very special birthday guest today.
CURTIS
Is it Snoop Dogg?
BARRY
Yo, he kicks—
MOM
Who?
JEREMY
Mom, if this is my big surprise, it better be cool. You know?
MOM
I know, Honey. I know. Now everyone sit still.
TOMMY
Mrs. C, I just want to say that if your surprise guest is a clown, I’ll have to be excused because clowns scare the hell out of me.
[all the boys laugh]
BARRY
The Easter Bunny scares you, Tommy.
TOMMY
Shut up.
BARRY
Make me, Girlie Man.
MOM
Now, settle down everyone. Okay. Everybody, I want to introduce one of the funniest men in America. He’s here just for you Jeremy. Mr. Dennis Miller.
[the boys sit in confused silence. Dennis Miller enters from the kitchen]
MILLER
Hey, kids. Wha’ss up? [no response] Hey, that’s okay. I get the same response in Vegas. Okay…so Jeremy, how old are you?
JEREMY
Mom…?
MOM
Jeremy, answer Mr. Miller.
JEREMY
Ten.
MILLER
Ten. You know, when I was your age, I was actually forced to listen to music where people sang. Yeah. And sometimes in harmony. How cruel is that? [long, silent pause] So, another birthday, huh? I stopped the whole party thing when my friends had to poke a hole in a piece of cardboard to look at the candles. [silence] You know, like looking at the sun…? Whew. I haven’t had this much fun since my show was cancelled. Saturday Night Live. Anybody know that show? [a few kids raise their hands] I was on for…you know, the news. I did the news on Saturday Night Live for years.
TOMMY
Your smug, wink-wink performance was both pretentious and tedious. Some of the worst years for SNL.
MILLER
Oh, listen to him. The ten-year old TV critic.
TOMMY
I’m nine.
MILLER
Excuse me. The nine-year old know-it-all.
BARRY
When are you going to be funny?
MILLER
When am I…. Listen. I was funny before any of you were born. I was the intellectual comic of my time.
TOMMY
Until you sold out.
M ILLER
[fuming] Sold out? Listen, you little punk. What do you know about surviving in show biz? Huh? You do what you gotta do. Okay?
JEREMY
You took the low road, Dude.
MILLER
What are you trying to do to me? I came here to entertain you—
TOMMY
You came here because you sold your soul to the devil and now you can’t find any better work than children’s’ birthday parties.
MILLER
[his anger boiling over]
Listen, you little son-of-a-bitch. I was a star. A big star.
MOM
[intervening] Okay. Who wants cake and ice cream? [all the kids scream “yeah”]
MILLER
Wait. I’m not done.
MOM
[herding the kids into the kitchen] Oh you’re done. Goodbye, Mr. Miller.
MILLER
[heading toward the door] Yeah. Sure. Just don’t come groveling to me when I’m hosting the Oscars. Okay? I’m in talks with those people… Serious talks. You’ll wish you’d have been nicer to Dennis Miller…. [exits]
Monday, May 09, 2005
Headlines We'd Like to See
Bush Claims Iraq Epiphany. Will Order Troops Home Next Month.
Ann Coulter: Ranting Conservative Persona Was Satire
“700 Club” Studio Demolished by Twister. “I Never Saw It Coming,” Says Robertson.
Laura Bush Dumping George For Comedy Career
Falwell Caught With Pants Down At Hollywood Porn Party
Bush Impeachment Hearings Begin Today
Michael Jackson’s Nose Falls Off During Cross-Examination
Eighty-two Year Old Lance Armstrong Wins 43rd Tour De France
Gary Coleman New California Mayor
Nichole Kidman Shocker: Admits She’s Passionately In Love With Unknown Minneapolis Writer
Rumors Persist: Dick Cheney Denies Affair with 50 Cent
Perfect Storm Gathering Around Administration With New Media Revelations Of Corruption and Deceit
Ann Coulter: Ranting Conservative Persona Was Satire
“700 Club” Studio Demolished by Twister. “I Never Saw It Coming,” Says Robertson.
Laura Bush Dumping George For Comedy Career
Falwell Caught With Pants Down At Hollywood Porn Party
Bush Impeachment Hearings Begin Today
Michael Jackson’s Nose Falls Off During Cross-Examination
Eighty-two Year Old Lance Armstrong Wins 43rd Tour De France
Gary Coleman New California Mayor
Nichole Kidman Shocker: Admits She’s Passionately In Love With Unknown Minneapolis Writer
Rumors Persist: Dick Cheney Denies Affair with 50 Cent
Perfect Storm Gathering Around Administration With New Media Revelations Of Corruption and Deceit
Friday, May 06, 2005
Getting a Head Start on History
A History of the Presidents of the United States for Sixth Graders
© 2020
George W. Bush
George Bush was the 43rd President of the United States. He was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut and grew up in Midland, Texas. He is the son of our 41st President, George W. H. Bush. The younger Bush became President of the United States in 2001, and won a second term in 2004.
George W. Bush was one of the least popular presidents in the history of the United States. There were many controversies during his time in office, ending with his impeachment for gross misconduct. This was a time in history when there was a lot of terrorist activity around the world. Some Muslims believed their culture was under attack from Western governments. The worst act of terrorism in U.S. history took place during Bush’s presidency when terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings in New York City and into the Pentagon. Thousands of people died. President Bush then declared a war on terror, which resulted in more bloodshed and violence around the globe. At home, President Bush oversaw a very large increase in the national debt, a debt that we are all still paying on today. Other problems during this President’s administration included its neglect of the environment, it’s lack of action on global warming (yet another problem passed on to our age) and its attempts to use propaganda to sell ideas to the American people.
Our 43rd president never ended his second term in office because he was impeached for lying to the American people about why he sent U.S. soldiers to war. Impeachment proceedings happen in the Senate, which is given the duty by the Constitution to either convict or acquit the impeached official, in this case, the President of the United States. After his conviction by the Senate, George Bush was a private citizen. He went back to his home near Crawford, Texas where he lived out his life in almost total seclusion, emerging only occasionally to clear brush on his ranch.
© 2020
George W. Bush
George Bush was the 43rd President of the United States. He was born on July 6, 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut and grew up in Midland, Texas. He is the son of our 41st President, George W. H. Bush. The younger Bush became President of the United States in 2001, and won a second term in 2004.
George W. Bush was one of the least popular presidents in the history of the United States. There were many controversies during his time in office, ending with his impeachment for gross misconduct. This was a time in history when there was a lot of terrorist activity around the world. Some Muslims believed their culture was under attack from Western governments. The worst act of terrorism in U.S. history took place during Bush’s presidency when terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into buildings in New York City and into the Pentagon. Thousands of people died. President Bush then declared a war on terror, which resulted in more bloodshed and violence around the globe. At home, President Bush oversaw a very large increase in the national debt, a debt that we are all still paying on today. Other problems during this President’s administration included its neglect of the environment, it’s lack of action on global warming (yet another problem passed on to our age) and its attempts to use propaganda to sell ideas to the American people.
Our 43rd president never ended his second term in office because he was impeached for lying to the American people about why he sent U.S. soldiers to war. Impeachment proceedings happen in the Senate, which is given the duty by the Constitution to either convict or acquit the impeached official, in this case, the President of the United States. After his conviction by the Senate, George Bush was a private citizen. He went back to his home near Crawford, Texas where he lived out his life in almost total seclusion, emerging only occasionally to clear brush on his ranch.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Media to America: Get Over It
An article in an upcoming addition of the New York Times. Page 17. Bottom left corner.
WASHINGTON D.C.—A formerly top secret memo emerged yesterday indicating that President Bush and his advisors may have mislead the American people on the rationales for going to war with Iraq. The memo, made public through an FOIA request, is from Bush to Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and Rice. This is the text of the memo.
Saddam has got to go. I don’t care what lies we have to make up to tell the American people, I’m going in there to kick his ass. I want all of you to fix me up some intelligence that will fly long enough to get this mission started. I like Cheney’s Weapons of Mass Destruction idea. What about some link to nuclear weapons? That always scares the shit out of people. I want all of this yesterday.
A White House spokesman dismissed the memo as insignificant. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Vice President Cheney, when asked about the memo at a Washington fundraiser, replied, “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Secretary of State Rice echoed the Vice President. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” And, in a poll taken shortly after the release of the memo, 65% of Americans indicated that it is “ground that has already been covered. We are tired of it.” Leading Democrats in congress had no comment.
WASHINGTON D.C.—A formerly top secret memo emerged yesterday indicating that President Bush and his advisors may have mislead the American people on the rationales for going to war with Iraq. The memo, made public through an FOIA request, is from Bush to Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell and Rice. This is the text of the memo.
Saddam has got to go. I don’t care what lies we have to make up to tell the American people, I’m going in there to kick his ass. I want all of you to fix me up some intelligence that will fly long enough to get this mission started. I like Cheney’s Weapons of Mass Destruction idea. What about some link to nuclear weapons? That always scares the shit out of people. I want all of this yesterday.
A White House spokesman dismissed the memo as insignificant. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Vice President Cheney, when asked about the memo at a Washington fundraiser, replied, “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” Secretary of State Rice echoed the Vice President. “We’ve been over this ground already. Frankly, the American people are tired of it.” And, in a poll taken shortly after the release of the memo, 65% of Americans indicated that it is “ground that has already been covered. We are tired of it.” Leading Democrats in congress had no comment.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
The Boy in the Bubble
President Bush meets with his top advisors in the Oval Office. Rice, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfield and Wolfowitz sit patiently, waiting for the President to speak. Finally, Bush takes the Washington Post that sits on his lap and holds it up.
BUSH
What is this?
RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.
BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?
WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?
BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.
CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….
BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”
ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…
BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.
CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—
RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.
BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.
DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.
BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.
RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.
BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?
They all look at each other nervously.
RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.
BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.
RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.
BUSH
Anyone else?
RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.
BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?
RICE
First thing tomorrow?
BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?
ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—
BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?
ROVE
Yes, Sir.
BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.
RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.
WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.
BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.
ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.
BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?
BUSH
What is this?
RICE
[hesitantly} A newspaper, Sir.
BUSH
Exactly. A newspaper. Does anyone know where I found this newspaper?
WOLFOWITZ
At a newsstand?
BUSH
No, Paul. Not at a newsstand. I found it on my chair when I came in this morning. On my chair.
CHENY
[under his breath] Shit….
BUSH
Some funny guy left this on my chair. Ha, ha. The headline is, “President’s Approval Rating Hits Rock Bottom.”
ROVE
George, we meant to talk with you about that…
BUSH
Talk to me about it? Just two days ago, you told me my approval rating was 98 percent.
CHENEY
Sir, we’ll get to the bottom of this paper thing. I’ll send it to the FBI for testing—
RUMSFIELD
Like hell. I’ll have my people…trusted people…analyze the paper.
BUSH
There’s also an article that says we’ve lost over 1500 soldiers in Iraq. Fifteen hundred. Don, you told me deaths were about two hundred. That’s a helluva discrepancy.
DONALD
George, you know as well as anyone how the liberal press focuses on everything negative.
BUSH
And Condi. You’ve been telling me for months that there is widespread public support of our Social Security plan. The paper says over 60 percent of the people are against it.
RICE
That particular poll is extremely flawed, Mr. President.
BUSH
I trust you people to tell me what I need to know on a daily basis to help run this country. Are there any other little surprises that I’m not aware of?
They all look at each other nervously.
RUMSFELD
Uh, well, there’s that armor for the vehicles in Iraq. We’re not quite where we’d like to be on that one yet.
BUSH
Oh. So when you told me every vehicle in Iraq was armored up last month, you were lying.
RUMSFELD
It was really more of an optimistic assessment, Sir.
BUSH
Anyone else?
RICE
Well, there are some embarrassing documents coming to light in Britain about pre-war intelligence. There may be some repercussions here.
BUSH
Wonderful. When were you planning to tell me about that?
RICE
First thing tomorrow?
BUSH
Uh huh. Sure. And to top everything off, there was a comic strip—something called “Doonesbury”—that openly mocked me. Mocked the President of the United States. How has that been allowed to go on?
ROVE
Sir, there’s that damned first amendment thing that protects speech—
BUSH
No. That strip is beyond the pale. It’s anti-American. I want something done about it. You hear me?
ROVE
Yes, Sir.
BUSH
And I want to start getting a paper every morning, so I can get an honest view of the world and not some sugar-coated happy pill.
RICE
I might recommend the Washington Times, Sir.
WOLFOWITZ
Excellent paper.
BUSH
I don’t care, as long as I’m getting a real picture of what’s going on.
ROVE
They’ll give it you, Mr. President. Just the unvarnished truth.
BUSH
Good. Now, I want more details on the bust they’re carving for me on Mt. Rushmore. How far along is it?
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
The Judge Is Out To Lunch
A smuggled transcript of a speech given by one of Bush’s judicial nominees, to a small, private gathering of Federalist Society members.
“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.
“I want to thank you for asking me to speak here today and for all your support throughout this tedious and tiring process. I have to laugh when I read newspaper accounts that paint those of us awaiting confirmation as ‘radical’ or ‘out of the mainstream.’ Poppycock, I say. We are the mainstream. We represent the people who built this country from a primitive wasteland into a world-dominating democracy. We, you and I, represent order, civility, tradition and anglo America. If it weren’t for the work of my colleagues and me, we’d still be rubbing sticks together in a cave and eating tourists. What we are facing here today, my friends, is nothing less then an epic battle between good and evil, orderly society and anarchy. Now, so many people find it puzzling that I can hold such unwavering beliefs within which I make my decisions, both in court and out. It’s quite simple, really. Jesus and I have breakfast together just about every morning. He’ll appear about 7:00 a.m. at the kitchen table, and I’ll fry up some bacon and eggs, brew some coffee, and we talk. Just as an aside, he prefers wheat toast, lightly buttered, and his eggs, well, what else? Sunny-side up. So I receive my divine inspiration at the same time I’m enjoying a hearty breakfast. The most satisfying aspect of these meetings is that he and I agree on virtually everything. It’s amazing, but true. It’s almost like we’re the same person, although the long hair and robes make him look like he fell asleep at Woodstock and just woke up. So, to wrap it up, you can know with complete certainty that my decisions as a federal judge, once I am confirmed, will be divinely inspired, not just from the Bible, but straight from the horses mouth. By the way, I have a lunch date today with Moses to get some advice on this Ten Commandments brouhaha. I’d like to have him part the Potomac for a little drama, but we’ll see. God bless, and thank you.
Friday, April 22, 2005
The "Z" List
With the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the U.N., the Bush administration embarked on a radically new strategy for filling high-level government positions. No details are available on the novel approach of nominating the worst possible person for a job, but we do know it is informally referred to as “Reverse Assmosis.” That’s Going Too Far! did, however, obtain a copy of a confidential list of future Bush nominees for vacant or soon to be vacant government positions.
Secretary of the Treasury – Kenneth Lay
Head of the DEA – Rush Limbaugh
Head of Homeland Security – Jack Black
Head of Veterans Affairs – Jane Fonda
Director of the CIA – Cedric the Entertainer
Ambassador to France – Ann Coulter
Secretary of Education – Mike Tyson
Head of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – Paris Hilton
Head of the National Endowment for the Arts – Snoop Dogg
Ambassador to Iran – Jerry Falwell
Secretary of the Health and Human Services – Hugh Heffner
Secretary of Agriculture – Martha Stewart
Secretary of the Treasury – Kenneth Lay
Head of the DEA – Rush Limbaugh
Head of Homeland Security – Jack Black
Head of Veterans Affairs – Jane Fonda
Director of the CIA – Cedric the Entertainer
Ambassador to France – Ann Coulter
Secretary of Education – Mike Tyson
Head of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms – Paris Hilton
Head of the National Endowment for the Arts – Snoop Dogg
Ambassador to Iran – Jerry Falwell
Secretary of the Health and Human Services – Hugh Heffner
Secretary of Agriculture – Martha Stewart
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A Man Of Peace
The transcript of John Bolton’s final appearance before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.
LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.
BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.
LUGAR
Excuse me?
BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.
VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.
BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.
VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.
BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?
LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,
BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.
BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?
BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.
BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?
BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.
DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?
BOLTON
Define “screaming.”
DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.
BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.
LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—
DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.
BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?
BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.
CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.
BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?
CHAFEE
You’re drunk.
BOLTON
And your point is…?
LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—
BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)
DODD
You truly believe that?
BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….
LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.
BOLTON
I object.
LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.
BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.
LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.
BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.
HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.
BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.
LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….
BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..
LUGAR
Well, Mr. Bolton, here we are again. I regret that we had to bring you back yet again to face further questioning.
BOLTON
I’m ready, Goddamit.
LUGAR
Excuse me?
BOLTON
I said, “I’m ready.” Fire away.
VOINOVICH
Mr. Bolton, there have been some very large discrepencies between your version of certain events and the versions offered by your subordinates.
BOLTON
Okay. They’re fucking liars. Period.
VOINOVICH
Sir, we could do without the profanities.
BOLTON
Sir, have you ever had your ass kicked?
LUGAR
John, let’s not take a combative tone here. You have many supporters on the committee,
BOLTON
Well why don’t they come down and give me a big fat wet one. Huh? You love me so much.
BIDEN
Mr. Bolton, have you been drinking?
BOLTON
Sure. I had three cups of coffee before I walked in here.
BIDEN
That’s not what I meant, Sir. Have you had alcoholic beverages this morning?
BOLTON
That’s none of your damn business. You ask me questions and I answer them.
DODD
Okay. I have a question. Have you chased employees down hallways yelling and screaming at them in the past?
BOLTON
Define “screaming.”
DODD
Shouting or shrieking loudly.
BOLTON
Only when I was feeling frisky.
LUGAR
I think we might want to postpone the hearing until—
DODD
No, no. I think we should continue.
BIDEN
Sir, what do you think of Carl Ford, the man who testified against you?
BOLTON
I could kick his ass if I was a quadriplegic.
CHAFEE
Mr. Bolton, up to this point, I have been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But your conduct today is beyond the pale.
BOLTON
What the hell does that mean?
CHAFEE
You’re drunk.
BOLTON
And your point is…?
LUGAR
I move that we reschedule our interview with Mr. Bolton until he is—
BOLTON
(standing) Hold on, just a minute. I want to make a statement. (pulls a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket and reads it stiffly) I am a man of peace. I support the work of the United Nations whore heartedly. I mean, whole heartedly. I will work over…work with my fellow members to do what is right for all countries on the face of this earth. I support the UN’s mission and the desire for all nations to find common ground on which to agree. My past statements about the UN were only meant as constructive criticism. Thank you. (sits down)
DODD
You truly believe that?
BOLTON
Sure. And I believe in Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch and Mr. Ed….
LUGAR
(standing) That’s it. This session is adjourned until further notice.
BOLTON
I object.
LUGAR
Shut up, you stupid drunk.
BOLTON
I want to fight Biden. If I win, I get the job.
LUGAR
(purple with rage)
Someone shut him up.
BOLTON
Okay, Biden and Dodd. At the same time.
HAGEL
(standing up) Okay, tough guy. You want to fight someone? Take a shot at me.
BOLTON
(ripping off his jacket) Sure. Come on down. I got a deal for you.
LUGAR
(pandemonium breaks out in the room) Please, everyone….. Security. Security….
BOLTON
(as he confronts Hagel) I’m fighting for peace, Goddamit…..
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